March, 2014 | Mr. Pink's Blog

Lorelei Lee: Under the Hammer

Fuck the Global Financial Crisis and your own dwindling savings account balance, those intrepid explorers of the furthest reaches of human sexuality, the San Francisco-based studio Kink.com, recently opened bidding on one of the company’s very own directors and performers, Lorelei Lee.

After a previous auction saw one fan pay $42,000 for an intimate private webcam session with Maitresse Madeline, the icy blonde Ms. Lee offers her services to the highest bidder and ensures, whatever his or her kinky preferences, satisfaction. Presented under the Kink Divine Bitches marquee, Lee says this auction aims to “expand the relationship between the fan and the star. They want to worship us, and we want them to worship.” Services available to the winning bidder – who’ll presumably pay much more than the current top bid of $24,200 – include lessons in servitude and submission or the chance to dominate, to completely control this particular Divine Bitch. The winner also receives a complimentary year of Kink.com access, signed photos of Ms. Lee, an HD copy of the private show and, most excitingly, the props used by Ms. Lee during their special time together.

Sure, unless you’re a future oil tycoon, criminal mastermind, or just really, really hard working, you won’t even consider bidding on some time with Lorelei Lee, but those of us that are should probably start seeing if our budgets can accommodate such a rash expenditure. (At least for me, an adult entertainment professional, it’ll be tax deductible!)

Beatin’ on a Budget! with Naughty America

Home to such legendary sites as My Friend’s Hot Mom, Dirty Wives Club, Naughty Office, Housewife 1-on-1, and Latin Adultery, Naughty America has since 1998 been regarded by fans and critics alike as one of the leading US porn studios and websites. Now seeing recent star turns by relative newcomers like Kleio Valentien, Bonnie Rotten, Siri, and Valentina Nappi appearing alongside the busty MILFs that made NA’s name, and following the launch of a brand-new all-anal site (My Girl Loves Anal), the unveiling of new membership payment options (Bitcoin, gift cards), the increasing number of stunningly detailed 4K-resolution HD movies, and a spring sale, Naughty America is harder to resist than ever before.

THE MATH:
Naughty America’s 38 websites cost a measly 46c each if you take advantage of NA’s current spring membership sale. The collected works of Naughty America’s sites – totaling 3,454 scenes and roughly the same number of photo galleries – have a delightfully low cost-per-scene of only 50c. If you’re somewhat reluctant to throw down the discounted $17.76 for a full month’s membership, Naughty America also offers a three-day limited-access trial for $1.95 that might not give you access to everything, but makes for one fantastic preview.

The birds are out and chirping, the snow has started to melt, and falling icicle fatalities are on the decline, so why not celebrate spring’s arrival by staying indoors, closing the curtains, and emigrating to the real land of sexual opportunity: Naughty America.

Bitcoin vs Goat

Having outlined the various adult entertainment companies now accepting payment via controversial cryptocurrency Bitcoin in a previous missive, I’m pleased to announce that we’ve covered the less hilarious parts of the discussion and we can now turn our attention to goats.

In a move that surprised everyone (except perhaps those lifelong goat herders who’ve spent hours upon hours attempting to elucidate their fellow man as to the appeal of Capra aegagrus hircus, the domestic goat), Zero Tolerance announced that it would not be joining the ranks of Bitcoin-adopting adult websites and, in fact, that it was far more likely to start taking and making payments in horned livestock than in any faddish cryptocurrency. And it kinda makes sense, too. After all, with the largest Bitcoin market offline (Silk Road).

As Zero Tolerance’s Michael Mpahlca declared in his pseudo-manifesto, “We have ‘Zero Tolerance’ for make-believe money that spikes or craters in value on an hourly basis. On the other hand, goats have proven to have real value for centuries and can easily be traded for other goods or services in just about every region of the world.” (So, goats rule in Vietnam then?) Mpahlca continued his missive: “When you look at the relevant livestock pricing index you can also quickly see that the goat market, unlike Bitcoins, moves for intelligible reasons grounded in logical and trackable analytics – something all prudent online adult companies take seriously in our planning.”

While the usefulness, even necessity of goats has long been thought to have an impending expiration date, this particular horned livestock has, according to AVN, “remained one of the most efficient methods of clearing fields, providing milk or calming other animals.” Mpahlca confirms ZTOD’s stance on payments made with goats in the final lines of his statement, easing the minds of affiliates and colleagues everywhere. “When someone sends their traffic to ZTOD, they will get paid every penny, euro, or goat they are entitled to – every time – and neither their hard-earned revenue no ours will be subjected to the rampant speculation and market fluctuation that plagues the Bitcoin world.”

Bleat that, Bitcoin!

Our Fading Erotic Heritage

A number of years ago, during one of my numerous and brief jaunts to Sin City, one tall-standing sign caught my attention in a way that the others, overloaded with neon script and flashing lights, did not. “Las Vegas Erotic Heritage Museum,” it read, “SALE: Movies from $1.” As a devoted connoisseur of all things pornographic, I immediately pulled over, parked, and headed inside where I was not only met by a cavalcade of erotic memorabilia, ephemera, and, yes, discounted movies, but by a heavy-set woman (perhaps Mercedes Zavala) intent on showing me “the goods.” Hardly a come-on, thankfully, “the goods” were two shambolic boxes pulled from a rear store room and containing nothing but vintage 8mm and Super8 porn reels. Straight, gay, kink, and softcore – I bought all 40-odd titles for less than fifty bucks and headed back to California with the acquisition of an operating projector firmly planted in the front of my mind.

The reels I purchased, now running somewhat smoothly through a Goodwill-bought projector, provided the audio-visual entertainment for a handful of drunken late-night gatherings and were stored in a spare mini-fridge when not in use. (Why a refrigerator? See my recent blog about film restorers Vinegar Syndrome!) Although I eventually tossed the mini-fridge and sold the reels to a projectionist from San Francisco’s Castro Theatre, memories of my all-too-brief visit to the Erotic Heritage Museum lingered for years until I heard of the museum’s closing this week, apparently due to an unpaid rent dispute with landlord, Déjà Vu strip-club magnate Harry Mohoney who donated the land for museum use back in 2008. Speaking to the Las Vegas Weekly, Mohoney assured visitors that the museum would not be closing its doors for good, saying of his now-former tenants, “They have been asked to vacate the property so that the Erotic Heritage Museum can be given a fresh new look at erotic history and art.”

Museum operations manager Jerry Zientara, however, see things a bit differently, claiming the museum’s collection is under the stewardship of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, the nonprofit organization that opened and has been operating the museum since its inception. “We don’t know when we’ll be loading things out,” he told Las Vegas Weekly earlier this month, “but we do expect to be doing that.” And, true to his word, a call for volunteers to help with removal of exhibits and cleaning of the space came out from the museum’s Facebook account on February 16, followed three days later but this very sad notice: