Dear Missy Pink,
This may be one of your strangest questions, but here goes. I’m 34 years old, and had been married for 6 years, then I found out my wife had been cheating on me throughout most of our marriage and I divorced her immediately, which was 4 years ago. After the divorce, I’d lay in bed at night thinking things over, and I found myself getting turned on by her being with someone else. With my new girlfriend I discussed how I get excited at the thought. At first she would tell me dirty stories, lies if you will about being with other men and I would be harder than ever before, then we made an agreement to be “open” in our relationship with the understanding that it was for the physical only. We both have had sex with another person, and told each other about it, which was hot, but I found out the other night she has seen the same guy multiple times now, without me knowing of it, and I feel like she’s being as unfaithful as my ex-wife, how do I explain my hurt?
Torn Up and Confused
Dear Torn;
Well, you are the classic case of wanting your cake and eating it too, however in this case your girlfriend is the cake and you’re upset because someone else is eating her!
There are certain aspects and guidelines to be honored if a couple decide to be open in their relationship, not to mention a huge amount of trust, it’s not for everyone, and unless you’re extremely lucky, someone is going to be emotionally hurt and left feeling as though something went horribly wrong, and that’s where you are now.
It might be time to live a day in your girlfriend’s panties and see things from her point of vaginal view. I assume she came into this relationship because she had feelings for you, and then, you spring the idea of sharing sex with others on her and for whatever reason, she went along with it…maybe it was hurt because she knew you wanted to sleep with someone else, but even more so, got turned on at the thought of her doing it, so she gave it the ol’, “Hell with him, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he’ll get!” frame of mind. It could also be if she’s a bit low on self esteem and self respect, she may have felt that would be the only way to keep you, so, she did it, thinking it would turn you on and make you happy.
It’s hard to demand monogamy when you’ve been given the green light to fool around. You may have agreed to keep things physical, with no emotional attachment to anyone, but, did you ever discuss laying down rules that you would inform one another before any sexual scenario would transpire, and, did you factor in that females see physical as emotional 99% of the time, so, even though there’s a fine line, the heart and loins can easily cross it. Maybe her “new” lover restricts himself to only her, and that’s what she had hoped for from you, so, she keeps going back where she knows she and no one else is wanted between the sheets.
There are so many factors to fornication outside of a committed relationship, many of which are hard to consider as rules when the heart doesn’t abide by guidelines, and the brain…well, it has a mind of its own as well. Human nature is the grand marshal in any pornographic parade, and when you requested your girlfriend put herself on display for extracurricular activity in the bedroom, she did as you wanted, and now all of a sudden you’re ready to pack up your box of 64 Crayola Crayons and say the game’s over.
It’s time you decide what you really want, who you really want and then stake claim to your choice. It sounds to me like you need to be on the unlimited dating list and not a steady and stable guy to any one woman. Don’t be angry with your girlfriend, don’t even be angry with yourself, just do some soul searching, the problem lies in what you want as an aphrodisiac and how far you’re willing to go to get it.