Leading online condom store, Condomania, recently published a how-to guide for women who’ve never used a vibrator before. Titled “How to Use a Vibrator: Helpful Advice for First-Timers”, the article details the ins and outs of vibe use – and thankfully with less lame puns than this blog – and points out what some might find to be exceedingly obvious. Ranging from inane observations – “Vibrators for women take many shapes and come in various sizes,” – to thinly-veiled product endorsements – “Some first-timers opt for Trojan vibrators, which come in easy to use designs that aren’t intimidating to use or expensive to buy,” – the guide may come across as completely unnecessary to some, but will likely have all those previously asexual Fifty Shades fans giggling in their Nordstrom Rack-purchased frocks and contemplating self-satisfaction of the battery-operated kind.
From setting the mood – “dimming the lights, turning on soft music; whatever you need to feel sexy” – to letting the previously external-only phallus find its way inside – “Allowing the vibrator to enter the vagina simulates sexual intercourse but adds an extra ‘buzz'” – Condomania seeks to cover all areas of vibrator-aided self-pleasure and, somewhat surprisingly, even suggests using a vibe with a partner for added stimulation. A novel concept if ever there was one!
What Condomania’s guide seems to be missing, though, is the efficiency vibrators introduce into masturbation. By selecting the right shape and size of toy, getting to know its settings and potential power, women can feasibly bring themselves to a height of masturbatory bliss and brevity rivaled only by the most accomplished of male self-strokers. Plenty of guys can sit in a restaurant bathroom, spit in their palm, and rub one out in two or three minutes, so what’s with all the candles, scents, and allotment of a solid hour of “me time” needed by the presumed readers of Condomania’s guide. Is the only thing keeping these women readers from near-instant sexual self-gratification the hypocrisy that’d arise should they continue making jokes about feeble sex-obsessed men and their devotion to the manual orgasm process? Nobody said sexual liberation didn’t come with a cost and if that’s less jerk-off jokes, so be it.