When it’s 3am and you’re stumbling half-drunk down Second St, failing to flag down a taxi and unable to wrangle your Uber app into doing what it’s supposed to, convenience store giant 7-11 is an absolute god send. When you’re blazing with your buddies and dream up a liquid concoction involving Mountain Dew, Miller Lite, and the extracted juices of a nine-hour-old hot dog, again 7-11 saves the day. But when you’re unable to supplant yourself from wherever it is you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing – say, it’s going well with a new ladyfriend over drinks at your apartment when you both start getting pangs of hunger – a brick-and-mortar location can’t provide a truly convenient service, unless…
Braving new territory in the realm of corporate retail convenience chains, 7-11 has announced that four of its largest markets (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Los Angeles, and Chicago) will now be able to order pre-packed products for home delivery. First up, packs devoted to Game Day, Endurance, and the Sniffles aimed respectively at augmenting the thrill of your favorite Big Game™, priming you for peak athletic performance, and aiding your recovery from a mild cold. The last of the four packs making leading the charge for 7-11’s new endeavor, which spokeswoman Margaret Chabris told the New York Daily News will “redefine convenience,” are far more suited to Mr. Pink’s readership than those just mentioned. 7-11’s Date Night Pack brings the purchaser Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream, a can of Red Bull (for staying power!), a Hershey’s chocolate bar (to boost your already heightened libidos), and, most importantly, some Trident gum and a trio of Trojan Ultra Thin condoms to ensure the only thing you’re passing to each other is the quickly emptying tub of Ben & Jerry’s. And, if the two of you hit the sauce while getting saucy (and assuming she stayed over) 7-11’s Hangover Pack should soothe what ails ya (along with some nice, slow good-morning recovery sex) with extra-strength Acetaminophen, Fruit Punch Gatorade, a Smoked Turkey and Pepper Jack Sandwhich, and, the most crucial item of all, one large Pepperoni Pizza direct from the reliably questionable oven rack at your nearest participating 7-11 location.
The cost of 7-11’s ultra-convenient home-delivered packs run from just $9.75 for the Endurance to $25 for Game Day with Date Night and Hangover sitting at $20 and $15 each. Throw in $2 for delivery and you’re looking at a whole new level of near-instant gratification to augment your Earthly search for happiness. Kudos, 7-11. Kudos to you.