Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.

Playboy Taps Crimson for Tips

Camille CrimsonWe at Mr. Pink’s have been big fans of Camille Crimson and The Art of Blowjob for some time, but it seemed like everyone else was still favoring puke-inducing deep-throats as vicious as they seemed uncomfortable. Lately, however, the world seems to be waking up to Ms. Crimson’s unique porn styling and her devotion to, well, the art of giving blowjobs. Especially noteworthy is Crimson’s inclusion in, of all publications, the granddaddy of modern day adult entertainment, Playboy.

Writing for the Playboy site’s Sex & Dating section, Crimson details five key ways to ensure you not only receive great blowjobs, but are worthy of them, too.

Presentation is key, Crimson says, advising would-be tonsil-ticklers to wash up, trim excess follicles, and ensure underwear (if worn) is free of stains, holes, and loose waistbands. Ditch your crusty Fruit of the Looms, fellas, and spring for a couple pairs of Calvins.

Inspiration. Here, mainstream porn takes some criticism from Crimson, one of the few outside voices attempting to curb the hyper-aggressive face-fucking prevalent in today’s porn. She suggests warming up your lady (and yourself) with some “sensual, respectful, and beautiful blowjob porn”. (Gee, I wonder where you’d find such stuff…)

Communication is arguably the most direct path to oral satisfaction. “Without getting too bossy, voice your desires and get what you want out of the blowjob,” she advises. This relates to the culmination of the act, too. “It’s not bad to want to come in her mouth, on her face, on her breasts… but give a heads-up before you do and leave it open for her to suggest an alternative if she wants.”

– While she’s exhausting her jaw and tongue for your pleasure, you could at least show some Appreciation. When you’re going down on her (which we’ll get to in a moment), you want to know you’re doing something right, right? Well, then, tell her when she’s pleasing you either with a few whispered words of encouragement or simply moaning and thanking her afterwards.

– The most enjoyable of all Camille Crimson’s blowjob tips: Reciprocation! She might’ve given you a headie for the ages, but unless you’ve been attentive to her needs – use your fingers, your mouth, a toy, or make her wait her turn – it’s not likely to be a thrill repeated anytime soon. And, for chrissakes, don’t just go through the motions! Help her feel the way you felt and you’ll be well on your way to a permanent grin the envy of all men.

Dirty Dreamer – Missy Pink’s Sex Advice

Missy Pinks at MrPinks.comDear Missy Pink,

I guess I should begin by saying I’m a 35 year old woman, never married and not a professional at relationships period. I’ve always been very shy and to be honest, I was in my late 20’s before losing my virginity. I reached puberty early in life and have always had a high sex drive, but, have always used masturbation as my release. The problem with that, the fantasies I would come up with. I have a wild imagination and as the years went on, it took extreme things to really have me satisfied, even with high powered sex toys involved.  Now that I am having more dates and being more active, I’m not finding myself as turned on by the men in my bed as I can get from my own imagination, have I ruined myself?

Dirty Dreamer

Dear Dirty,

There’s nothing written in stone as to what is a suitable or acceptable age for losing your virginity, some are earlier in life than others, but thank goodness, we always are in possession of the box our cherry came from! If the world were open and honest about taboo topics, we’d probably find the majority of the population experienced their first orgasm by their own hands, and even if they find themselves in a steady relationship, marriage, whatever the case may be, there’s still something familiar, comfortable and exciting about stealing those private moments of masturbation, it’s like cumming home to an old friend.

It sounds as if even though your saturation was solo generated, it was done for a very long time, and I’m guessing frequently, so, you achieved a routine and not just an orgasm. No one knows their body like themselves, but, when you’re in the right relationship, the exploration and training sessions can be extremely stimulating. You didn’t say if your dates of late have been more of the one night stand type, or those where you’re building on something  a bit more long term, but, if you are seeing someone on a steady basis, explain to them you bloomed a bit later in life with your shared lust and you need someone to take the time to make you feel like a woman, even in the presence of a man.

If a guy truly wants to be in a relationship with you, he’ll not just see it as a challenge, but also as a portal into a deeper connection, both physically and emotionally. Share some of your taboo fantasies, while sharing pillow talk during foreplay, explain in detail the things that would turn you on like the switch of your vibrator, he’ll become more aroused and so will you by feeling as if you’re “living out” your dirty dreams. It could turn into a win/win sexual situation.

One thing to keep in mind, when you close your eyes, you can be anywhere you want to be, you’re not bound to the bed you’re sharing with your lover, or by yourself for that matter. It’s okay to fantasize even when you’re with someone, that’s all a part of human nature, just because your sexual interludes now include a partner doesn’t mean you have to shut down the erogenous zone of your brain, the two can go hand in hand nicely. Be yourself, be wild, and be honest, and if he can’t handle your physical needs for orgasm, then maybe he’s not the man for you, but luckily, as the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so toss your rod back in the water and see if you pull back a keeper. After all, with your practice, you’re already a “master-baiter!” Hang a sign on your door that says, “Gone Fishin’” and then head for the watering hole!

Dildo Theft on Pain and Gain Set

Anyone who’s ever been on the set of any reasonably sized film production, porno or otherwise, knows that theft is rampant: theft of credit, theft of ideas, theft in the form of grossly overpaid players, theft of costume items and props. On the set of Michael Bay’s bodybuilding crime hit, Pain and Gain, however, something rather unusual items failed to make it back to the prop truck after shooting: sex toys.

Talking to The Daily Beast, Bay revealed that after he spent $75,000 on a treasure trove of the sex toy industry’s greatest creations, someone or someones managed to take off with a good chunk of them. A confounded Bay explains as best he can:

“We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

One cast member not likely to be the culprit is Rebel Wilson, seen below wielding her own artificial bedroom spicer-upper, a pair of nunchaku, that she pulled out when Bay requested the sex scene they were shooting needed to be sexier. Clearly this a woman with a strong arsenal all her own.

Rebel Wilson

Personally, I’m putting my money on Peter “Where is Pancakes House?” Stormare.