Celebrities | Mr. Pink's Blog

Smooshing and Screaming

Every Thursday night a rapidly declining percentage of the population of the United States tunes in to MTV for another rage-inducing episode of Jersey Shore, the reality show phenomenon that dumps four “guidos” and four “guidettes” into a share house off the boardwalk of the New Jersey shore and follows them as they drink, dance, and argue their way through another summer. Me, I’ve got a soft spot for the house newest resident, Deena, the self-described “blast in a glass,” who constantly seems to be unlucky in both love and lust while her roommates “get it in” on a near-nightly basis. Those in committed relationships, as absurd as that may seem, don’t seem to mind rubbing their sexual proclivities in Deena’s face, which is exactly what Jenni “JWOWW” Farley did on the most recent episode, The Truth Will Set You Free.

Intent on celebrating her one-year anniversary with muscle-bound boyfriend, Roger, with a night-long romp in the house “smoosh room” (where roommates takes their latest sexual conquests for a bit of privacy), JWOWW dragged her BFF (and America’s punching bag) Snooki to an adult novelty store and stocked up on supplies. Bringing home fake rose petals, bottles of Gatorade, fluffy pink handcuffs, and a Clone-a-Willy kit with which to immortalize Roger’s manhood, JWOWW was ensuring that her man’s jaw would be dragging along the presumably filthy shore house floor all the way to sexual heaven. Two key components of JWOWW’s seductive arsenal were The Screaming O Vibrating Ring and its big brother, The Big O, both of which are award-winning vibrating cock-rings designed to enhance pleasure for both partners when worn at the base of Rog… uh, “the man’s” erection.

These two most important items in her carnal armory we both snatched from a small red-and-white counter display and the company responsible for them, The Screaming O, seems mighty proud to be so blatantly featured on the show. “We’re glad we made it a special night for them,” The Screaming O’s Keith Caggiano told AVN. “The Screaming O helps couples stay connected , and since JWOWW and her boyfriend can’t see each other every day using our relationship tools and fun sexessories will surely keep things interesting.” Ah, “relationship tools,” is that what they’re called by folks in the know?

Nerd Hunting

The Bang Bros’ website Fuck Team Five has found itself in plenty of rather sketchy situations in its short online lifespan. There have been humiliating mid-blowjob phone calls to some guy’s poor wife, a three-girl chant of “Nothing gets inside Madison Ivy’s butthole!” and dozens upon dozens of amateur Miami and LA guys getting a chance at pornstar pussy paradise. One episode in particular is especially noteworthy to me because I occasioned to meet one of the “random” guys Fuck Team Five picked up while cruising down Melrose Blvd. on a gorgeous Southern California Sunday afternoon. Then he was a 21-year-old aspiring standup comic fresh off the bus from Godknowswhere, USA. His name, well, for a long, long time I completely forgot his name, but with his starring role in Todd Philip’s (Road Trip, Wedding Crashers) newest opus, Project X, plus a genuine background as an adult performer, Jonathan Daniel Brown might not be a name we’ll be forgetting anytime soon.

One day back in 2008, Brown, having only recently arrived in Hollywood, was walking down Melrose minding his own business when a white van pulled up and out jumped three of the most astounding slutty pornstars known to mankind: Ashlii Orion, Jennifer Dark, and Phoenix Marie. Orion, surprisingly, managed to recall quite a few details of Brown’s participation and how he fared in his first onscreen performance.

“I remember him being this cute little nerdy guy, shy, and super nervous!” Orion told AVN. “He was really nice so I felt bac that I had to make fun of him in true Fuck Team 5 fashion.” It seems being pasty, chubby, and bespectacled, and struggling to make it as a standup comic – which is when I met him while attending a mutual friend’s “show” at a dismally vacant East Hollywood Ramada Inn – hasn’t relegated this so-called “nerd” to the depths of social isolation. Instead, he’s fucking Ashlii Orion until he “popped all over [her] ass.” Kudos, guy I met at a shitty comedy/karaoke thing in a crummy hotel not-really-but-sorta-in Hollywood a few years back. Kudos, indeed.

In closing, all I can say is thank your lucky stars that more also-ran strandups of Hollywood aren’t nabbing themselves small porn roles. That scene’s already enough of a circle jerk as it is.

Hyuk-hyuk.

Warney No Porny?

In Australia, cricketers are revered as the most skillful of all athletes. Able to either deflect a speeding ball, hard as a brick, with nothing but a wooden plank as their tool or take said ball and manually send it flying down the pitch, bending, swaying, and cutting through the air almost as if controlled by telekinesis, the greatest Australian cricketers are nothing short of national heroes. Although now retired from the international game, former Australian spin bowler, international celebrity, and spokesman for hair regrowth treatment, nicotine chewing gum, and online poker companies, Shane Warne just keeps getting himself headlines. Tabloid fodder for years thanks to his predilection for sending saucy text messages, his fluctuating weight, and numerous marital infidelities, Warne, who was once dubbed The King of Spin for his near miraculous leg-spin bowling technique, now finds himself back in the spotlight for two reasons.

First, Warne’s grinning image has been popping up in some rather unexpected places recently, most notably on sexually explicit adult websites. No, “Warney” hasn’t dropped his daks for a nude pictorial, he’s just been plugging 888poker and the ads appeared on a number of adult websites, causing yet another sex-related controversy for one of the greatest cricketers of all time. Warne’s manager claimed to know no reason why the 888poker ads would be appearing on an adult site, but said he and his client would be investigating the issue and examining the ties between The Shane Warne Foundation, a charity the cricketer started a number of years ago, and the online poker company his blinding white teeth and sunglass adorned face are pimping in the ads. Sounds like a real non-event, don’t it? Well, in typically idiotic fashion, the printed and online rags of Australia have blown something insignificant way out of proportion because it’s their trusty whipping boy and headline ace Warney’s face planted right next to a gaping female asshole. Hey, maybe that’s why he’s grinning so much!

Oh, and the second reason Warne is back in the media spotlight? He’s engaged to marry Elizabeth Hurley.

Jenna Haze 2.0

Jenna Haze, one of porn’s most distinguished performers and most prominent women, announced her retirement from on-camera adult performance on Tuesday, informing her fans via a YouTube video posted on her Tumblr page. In the video, Jenna first thanks her fans for their love and support before announcing her retirement and declaring that, although she won’t be performing anymore (and in fact hasn’t performed on-camera in about a year), she will continue to direct for her Jennaration X Studios company, as well as keeping busy with “a bunch” of non-adult projects that she’s working on, the most immediate of which can be seen in the current issue of FHM – a photo spread in which Ms. Haze appears with her gal-pal Taylor Momsen. She also clarified that she will continue for feature dancing work.

So, what does this mean for the adult industry? Clearly it marks the closing of one era and the opening of another. Jenna Haze wasn’t just consistently popular with fans throughout her ten-year career as a pornstar, she won the approbation of the larger industry bodies, too. Nominated three years in a row for AVN Female Performer of the Year, winning that award in 2009. That same year saw her take home similarly high-falutin awards from XBIZ, XRCO, FAME, Nightmoves, and Hot d’Or. Clearly Jenna Haze was the queen of porn.

Of all current performers, though, who seems most likely to assume Jenna’s former position at the top? Now that Sasha Grey is well and truly finished with performing in adult films, it seems likely that said successor will be either Japanese-American superstar Asa Akira or the winner of 2012 AVN awards for Best Porn Star Website, Best All-Sex Release, Best POV Sex Scene, and, Female Performer of the Year, the insatiable, the relentless Bobbi Starr.

As long as Jenna directs both Asa and Bobbi, who is now also a director, it’s clear that, although we’ll be nostalgic for Jenna’s glory days in front of the camera, we’ll also be extremely happy that she’s still making hardcore porn, just doing it on a new career path.