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Axel Braun: Man of Iron

Iron Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody It seems there’s no stopping the superhero movie juggernaut. Not only did Joss Whedon’s movie adaptation of Marvel’s The Avengers become the third highest-grossing film of all time soon after its May 2012 release, but it cemented plans for more Marvel properties to make the transition from printed page to silver screen and the already widespread availability of explicit adult parodies of said Marvel properties into overdrive. The undisputed king of porn parodies, Axel Braun has already turned his hand to Marvel characters more than once – his XXX interpretations of Spider-Man, She-Hulk, and The Avengers won rave reviews and confirmed porn parodies as the hottest ticket in town – and now the master is turning his hand to, of all things, the story of a dying man imprisoned in a suit of iron.

The success of two previous Iron Man films, along with Robert Downey, Jr.’s charisma, might’ve guaranteed a ton of pre-release interest for the forthcoming Iron Man 3, but such hype doesn’t always translate into sales of a derivative porn parody. With Braun’s track record, though, he’s not likely worried. The trailer for his upcoming Iron Man XXX parody has finally been unveiled and, boy, it doesn’t look like Braun’s pulled any punches this time around.

Iron Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody stars Dale DaBone as billionaire industrialist Tony Stark and as his armored superhero alter-ego, Iron Man. DaBone is joined by superbabes Lexi Belle, Brooklyn Lee, Shazia Sahari, and Skin Diamond, with Lexington Steele reprising his crucial role as Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. But who landed the pivotal role as the movie’s villain, The Mandarin, played in the official film by Ben Kingsley, I can hear you asking? Watch the trailer, bro – it answers all your questions and raises a few new ones, all in preparation for the release of Iron Max XXX: An Axel Braun Parody next month.

Groupies Make Life Selector Interesting – Pt. 4

aftertheshow

After filling a reasonably large venue with cheers and not jeers, my band Beef Supreme were nowhere to be found, leaving me to wake up on a table surrounded by pills, butts, and bottles, wondering what hotel I ended up in and whether I’d slept past checkout time. Opening the door, I was greeted (and given a headache) by two screaming, bouncing groupies. Dude, I love groupies! I quickly signed their boobs only to be faced with the toughest decision of my morning so far: bang the blonde in the black dress or bang the blonde in the white fishnet top?

Since the girl in black was the only one I could understand as she and her friend gabbed a thousand praises and pleasantries upon meeting me, I choose her – and it only costs me 25 credits! With nothing to lose but my untarnished record for impeccable sexual health and the hangover currently doing a John Bonham on my noggin, I dove in and endeavored to prove to this sycophantic slut that I was no washed-up old rocker but a virile young stud loaded with enough sexual energy to rival Vince Neil or Izzy Stradlin at their best.

“I’m gonna make you horny even if you don’t want me,” she said as she laid back on my hotel bed, spreading her legs and placing two fingers… right… there. “What do you mean ‘if I don’t want you?’ I picked you, didn’t I?” I was clearly still drunk from last night’s after-party, so I decided to simply sit back and enjoy the show. After a minute or two, she reached back, grabbed an empty wine bottle and promised to show me something.

bottle

Uh, perhaps I better step in before she gives herself (and me) an infection.

doggy

After four minutes of pounding her from behind, I start to feel a familiar sensation rising from deep within me. Although she has offered to let me spank her ass, pull her hair, and stick in her rear, I instead opt to blow. After all, it’s not like I need to keep her around if I’m done with her, right? I must still be high as well as drunk, ’cause for some reason I nut in a half-full beer glass which she dutifully, gleefully downs in one gulp then heads for the door.

drink

Man, I could really get used to this rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle at Life Selector.

LA Weekly Names 10 Next Big Things

Los Angeles’ lauded free press staple, L.A. Weekly, has once again run some numbers, crunched some factoids, and come up with an intriguing assessment of the current state of porn. Or, more accurately, at what the current state of porn says about the future state of porn. And, to do so, it looked to the past, to Jenna Jameson.

Jenna Jameson was arguably the first bona fide crossover celebrity to bridge the gap between the adult and mainstream entertainment worlds. Although some earlier stars were more notorious within the contemporaneous culture (Linda Lovelace) and others managed to move from one industry to the other with some success (Traci Lords), it wasn’t until Jenna Jameson retired from performing in adult movies in 2008. Some thought it’d be the end of her career. Man, were they wrong! Fashion modeling, a New York Times Best Seller biography, PETA campaigns, and a budding media empire had Jenna’s profile higher than ever.

Now, L.A. Weekly offers its predictions as to who’ll be the next hot new thing to make waves in the mainstream, and the ten women they’ve selected share as many similarities as they have differences.

Who do you think will be the next pornstar to infiltrate to mainstream and eventually gain acceptance, nose-ring-wearing, hula-hoop-loving Remy LaCroix, the classically bottle-blonde and bodacious Alexis Monroe, 2013 XBIZ Award winning Best New Starlet Riley Reid, 18-year-old Floridian Staci Silverstone, former reality TV starlet and current UCLA student Tasha Reign, heavily tatted newcomer Bonnie Rotten, CPA-cum-alt.porn wunderkind Veruca James, 2013 AVN Female Performer of the Year Skin Diamond, former webcam model Lily Carter, or bubble-butted Annika Albrite?

Kimberly Kane is Wonder Woman

The early 21st century wave of pornographic parody movies, the one we’re currently wading in the oh-so-pleasant waters of, has already seen two attempts to immortalize DC Comics’ iconic warrior princess, Princess Diana of Themyscria. The first, Wonder Woman XXX: A Hardcore Parody arrived in 2010 from Mile High saw Tori Black don the red, white, blue, and gold armor of trendy mod boutique proprietor Diana Prince’s alter-ego, while it was Chanel Preston who wielded the Lasso of Truth in director Rob Black’s Wonder Woman Interactive: A XXX Adventure Game Parody. Of these two valiant parody efforts, fanboys still seemed to feel that Diana’s time hadn’t yet come, parody-wise, but that’s all set to change with the meeting of this Princess and parody porn’s reigning king.

Axel Braun, the director responsible for porn’s biggest parodies movies and the winner of an astonishing ten AVNs including three Director of the Year awards in three years, knew he’d have a tough job finding exactly the right person for his Wonder Woman but after auditioning more than a dozen actresses and seeing many excellent interpretations, Kimberly Kane stood head and shoulders above the rest.

Kane, who stands 5’9″ tall, 134 lbs, 36B-26-35, seems an appropriate physical fit for the Amazonian warrior princess. who’ll be a more adult rendering in Braun’s film. “What [Kane] brings to the character is the image of a strong, independent woman,” Braun said. “The movie deals with the Wonder Woman story in a much darker, more adult way. She’s not going to be the goody-two-shoes that she was in the ’70s. She’s a woman, she kicks ass. And Kim can definitely kick serious ass.”

With three weeks of intensive physical training bringing her to tip-top, fighting-fit shape, Kane, who previously worked with the director on Star Wars XXX, This Ain’t the Expendables XXX, and Batman XXX porn parodies, seems more than ready for the role, telling AVN “It feels good to be trusted with another of his mega roles.”

To see just how well she’ll do as the famed Wonder Woman, we’ll have to wait a while. Until then, though, Kane promises to keep enthusiasm high, even amidst the potential embarrassment of her promised onslaught of TwitPics showing her previous, more youthful, no doubt adorably awkward attempts at slipping into those white-starred underpants, telling “I was Wonder Woman for Halloween for like 10 years… so I can’t wait to share those pics on Twitter!”

Axel Braun’s as-yet untitled Wonder Woman parody went into production this week.