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Lorelei Lee: Under the Hammer

Fuck the Global Financial Crisis and your own dwindling savings account balance, those intrepid explorers of the furthest reaches of human sexuality, the San Francisco-based studio Kink.com, recently opened bidding on one of the company’s very own directors and performers, Lorelei Lee.

After a previous auction saw one fan pay $42,000 for an intimate private webcam session with Maitresse Madeline, the icy blonde Ms. Lee offers her services to the highest bidder and ensures, whatever his or her kinky preferences, satisfaction. Presented under the Kink Divine Bitches marquee, Lee says this auction aims to “expand the relationship between the fan and the star. They want to worship us, and we want them to worship.” Services available to the winning bidder – who’ll presumably pay much more than the current top bid of $24,200 – include lessons in servitude and submission or the chance to dominate, to completely control this particular Divine Bitch. The winner also receives a complimentary year of Kink.com access, signed photos of Ms. Lee, an HD copy of the private show and, most excitingly, the props used by Ms. Lee during their special time together.

Sure, unless you’re a future oil tycoon, criminal mastermind, or just really, really hard working, you won’t even consider bidding on some time with Lorelei Lee, but those of us that are should probably start seeing if our budgets can accommodate such a rash expenditure. (At least for me, an adult entertainment professional, it’ll be tax deductible!)

Our Fading Erotic Heritage

A number of years ago, during one of my numerous and brief jaunts to Sin City, one tall-standing sign caught my attention in a way that the others, overloaded with neon script and flashing lights, did not. “Las Vegas Erotic Heritage Museum,” it read, “SALE: Movies from $1.” As a devoted connoisseur of all things pornographic, I immediately pulled over, parked, and headed inside where I was not only met by a cavalcade of erotic memorabilia, ephemera, and, yes, discounted movies, but by a heavy-set woman (perhaps Mercedes Zavala) intent on showing me “the goods.” Hardly a come-on, thankfully, “the goods” were two shambolic boxes pulled from a rear store room and containing nothing but vintage 8mm and Super8 porn reels. Straight, gay, kink, and softcore – I bought all 40-odd titles for less than fifty bucks and headed back to California with the acquisition of an operating projector firmly planted in the front of my mind.

The reels I purchased, now running somewhat smoothly through a Goodwill-bought projector, provided the audio-visual entertainment for a handful of drunken late-night gatherings and were stored in a spare mini-fridge when not in use. (Why a refrigerator? See my recent blog about film restorers Vinegar Syndrome!) Although I eventually tossed the mini-fridge and sold the reels to a projectionist from San Francisco’s Castro Theatre, memories of my all-too-brief visit to the Erotic Heritage Museum lingered for years until I heard of the museum’s closing this week, apparently due to an unpaid rent dispute with landlord, Déjà Vu strip-club magnate Harry Mohoney who donated the land for museum use back in 2008. Speaking to the Las Vegas Weekly, Mohoney assured visitors that the museum would not be closing its doors for good, saying of his now-former tenants, “They have been asked to vacate the property so that the Erotic Heritage Museum can be given a fresh new look at erotic history and art.”

Museum operations manager Jerry Zientara, however, see things a bit differently, claiming the museum’s collection is under the stewardship of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, the nonprofit organization that opened and has been operating the museum since its inception. “We don’t know when we’ll be loading things out,” he told Las Vegas Weekly earlier this month, “but we do expect to be doing that.” And, true to his word, a call for volunteers to help with removal of exhibits and cleaning of the space came out from the museum’s Facebook account on February 16, followed three days later but this very sad notice:

Boning-Up on V-Day Porn

Once the end-of-year holiday and sales bonanza has died down a little, store shelves lose their sparkling tinsel and multi-colored string lights for a decidedly more passionate hue: the red of eroticism, lustful fervor, and, yes, love most of all. In honor of the Roman Catholic patron of love, the engaged, and the married (as well as bee keepers, fainters, and epileptics, strangely enough), Valentinus of Rome, better known as Saint Valentine, February 14th is celebrated around the world by lovers, suitors, couples, and, in some rather odd ways, the lonely. You, wherever you fall on that spectrum of amorous satisfaction, have been blessed by the porn gods this year and can spend your Valentine’s Day “brief period of self-reflection” to abuse yourself with the following smutty V-day episodes:

– The first of three Brazzers scenes focusing on Valentine’s Day carnality hit Big Tits at School a few days ago and saw relatively new cocksman Jessy Jones reap the benefits of some lessons given to his anally inclined girlfriend Alby Rhydes by her teacher Alura Jensen, both of whom receive him in all passages for a V-day he’ll not soon forget.

– Over at Mommy Got Boobs, the incomparable Julia Ann offers her stepson (Jessy Jones again) a sample of what his dad’s been getting and teaches him a number of lessons in how to please a woman so he doesn’t take his girlfriend out for a lovely Valentine’s Night dinner only to end up in Dumpsville.

– Devon, the legendary blonde who recently returned to porn, is working late on V-day. Clearly pissed about her situation, she decides to simply make the most of her coworker Toni Ribas, who responds to her flashing by thrusting his instant erection into Devon’s throat, snatch, and asshole, because, as Brazzers says, “Valentine’s Day is all about spreading the love!”

– With most other significant sites and networks totally dropping the ball this year and apparently not bothering with Valentine’s Day at all, it has been left to the (kinda, sorta, maybe) amateurs to do things right: Home of the brightly-lit close-up POV blowjob, Amateur Allure is running a Valentine’s Day promotion that offers discounted monthly access ($25 down from $36) and the chance to see Kennedy Leigh 2014 AVN Award Winner (Best POV Sex Scene for Jules Jordan’s Ultimate Fuck Toy: Kennedy Leigh) in what promises to be an irresistible oral performance.

Who knows, maybe you can pre-game with these scenes before heading out for the night loaded with hope, condoms, and a throbbing pair of balls then try convincing your date to get adventurous in similar ways. (If you can pull that one off then, mister, you’re a better man than I.)

AVN 2014: The Winners – The Women

2014 AVN Awards

Yeah, yeah. Nice work gents and congrats to all the movies that took home trophies at last month’s 31st annual AVN Awards in Las Vegas, but it’s the ladies we really discuss! The queens of cock-wrangling. The most lusted-after women in America. LA’s legal hookers and sex maniacs. However they’re regarded by the public at large, the most acclaimed women in US porn are the primary focus of the glitzy Las Vegas awards ceremony. And, with 2013 well and truly in the can, it’s clear who the year’s biggest winners are.

Taking home the most coveted award of the evening, Female Performer of the Year, raven-haired leather-punk princess and former AVN Award Trophy Girl, Bonnie Rotten (whose feature The Gangbang of Bonnie Rotten also took home Best Group Sex Scene) left behind the other trophies for which she was nominated (nine others including Best Anal, POV, Oral, Girl-Girl and Safe Sex Scenes) and instantly became porn’s baddest* (and most talked-about) female.

Also bringing in prominent and highly coveted awards were Best New Starlet Mia Malkova, Best Supporting Actress Brandy Aniston, Best Actress Remy LaCroix (The Temptation of Eve), and, taking home The Fan Award for Hottest Ass, Alexis Texas(s). April Flores was chosen BWW Performer of the Year, Shyla Jennings All-Girl Performer of the Year, Anissa Kate Female Foreign Performer of the Year, India Summer the MILF Performer of the Year, and the Unsung Female Performer of the Year was littleknown Presley Hart.

There were, of course, many other women applauded for their awarded work, but they’ll have to wait for another blog, one in which you, dear reader, will receive the full lowdown on what made the year’s best scenes the year’s best scenes and exactly what the ladies in discussion did to deserve a statue just like Bonnie’s on their very own mantle. Trust me, it’s pretty fucking noteworthy!

Perhaps the least visible but most relieved winner of the year, however, Melissa Makeup overcame a major setback when photos she snapped of pornstars without their stage faces on became a viral wtf-fest that caused many a rage-Tweeting pornstar; she was awarded the Best Makeup trophy for her work on Burning Angel’s Evil Head and continues to be employable.

Congratulations, ladies, and may your 2014s be as vibrant and successful as your 2013s.

* Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good, you know?