Category: Laughs

The Sexiest Rabbis of 2013

Circumcised? Spun a dreidel? Enjoyed the works of Woody and Groucho and Larry David but had to contend with gentile friends who just didn’t get the anxiety-ridden humor? You, my friend, might be a jew and, as a reader of this blog and (presumed) supporter of the sex industry, might wanna check out Jewrotica’s list of the recently ended year’s hottest Jewish religious leaders. No. I’m not kidding! Here it is, folks, the only (and therefore utterly definitive) list of the Sexiest Rabbi’s of 2013.

Jewrotica's Sexiest Rabbis

The main list of 10 Torah teachers included both men and women and, unfortunately for most of our readers, the pollsters saw six men to only four women. But when those three women include a “whip-smart” guitar-playing radical Chicagoan (Rabbi Lizzi Heydemann), a “queer yeshiva” founder who teaches “the sexiest bits of Talmud as well as the driest” (Rabbi Benay Lappe), a PhD-equipped author of “Hebrew Priestess” books (Rabbi Jill Jammer, PhD), and an American living and working (and getting arrested) for adoptive, sexual and religious rights advocacy in Jerusalem (Rabbi Susan Silverman, big sister of comedian Sarah), you know you’re talking about some incredible women. They’re not exactly as open and explicit as porn’s most famous Jewess, Joanna Angel, but Ms. Angel isn’t likely to refer you to Maimondes, “Yad ha-Ḥazaḳah, Ishut,” xxiv. 6 when you’re experiencing some marital anxiety, either.

The Sexiest Rabbis of 2013

Cheese Fucker prowls Mayfair, PA!!! Caught!! Released!

Swiss Cheese Pervert

Unless you’ve been sticking your dick in the holes found in a slice of Swiss cheese, going online to locate women who’ll watch your dairy-fed antics, and even approaching startled ladies in public in failed attempts to coax them into participating in your little pastime, I’d say your fetishes are probably under control, unlike the “Swiss-cheese Pervert” of Philadelphia’s Mayfair region.

Awareness of the alleged deviant’s activities gained ground after being posted on a Mayfair TownWatch Facebook page. Community outrage spread and more victims came forward claiming, much like Priscilla [surname redacted] who managed to snap a cell phone pic of the perp after he propositioned her, that the man intended to hire them to observe his rubbing his genitals with slices of Swiss cheese. Priscilla shared her photo of the suspect (and his cheese) with authorities and shortly after they arrested one Christopher Pagano of Norristown. Described by neighbors as “a weirdo” who “used to come outside in his underwear with no shirt,” 41-year-old Pagano was charged with stalking and harassment as well as open lewdness before being released on $30,000 bail.

To get to the bottom of all this depravity we must turn to that most revealing of adult social media sites, OkCupid, on which the lonely legions declare themselves and their various kinks and curiosities open for judgement. Contacting twenty-year-old (and curiously named) Gabby Chest of Bridesburg in 2012, Pagano is reported to have offered significant details of his sitophilia, the total of which can be viewed at PhillyMag and is best digested on an empty stomach. (Note: somewhat tellingingly, Pagano misspells “arrangement” as “arraignment”.)

 

Rabbi Dildo in Masturpiece Drama

Masturpiece's Rampant Rabbi“You wanna make dildos in the image of the Queen, Count Dracula, a genie, and a rabbi? And you don’t think it’ll land you in hot water?”

Despite the protestations I’m sure he suffered through, entrepreneur Shed Simove embarked on his latest and arguably most controversial business endeavor, Masturpieces. Modeled after Her Royal Highness, the immortal blood sucker portrayed by Bela Lugosi, the bottled-up granter of three wishes, and a teacher of the Torah, Masturpieces are dildos produced in limited runs and commanding fairly steep prices.

Now, you might assume it’d be the general Jewish community (as no doubt represented by some self-appointed leading body) that has complained about Masturpiece’s Rampant Rabbi, but fellow adult retailer Ann Summers. Usually associated with the staple of its business, women’s undergarments, Ann Summers also produces the “world’s most popular sex toy,” the Rampant Rabbit vibrator. After Simove’s application for trademark on his Rampant Rabbi was thwarted by a challenge from the retail giant, the self-styled “Ideas Man” simply decided to forgo trademarking his creation. “I can’t trademark it but I’m still using the name. I don’t think there is any confusion between the products,” he told the Daily Star.

What do you think? Should this comedian, “serial entrepreneur,” author, and motivational speaker relent and choose a different name for his culturally irreverent work of phallic devotion or is he cutting it a little too close to a well-known brand and protected trademark? Could you or your ladyfriend possibly mistake one for the other? (Perhaps a side-by-side visual comparison is required. If not, it’s at least an amusing image.)

Masturpiece's Rampant Rabbi

Pornstars Eat 24/7

When you make a living thrashing around on a mattress or sofa until you’re nothing but a spent, sweating heap on the floor, it makes sense that you’d be constantly finding yourself famished at strange times of day. Pornstars are no exception to this rule and actually seem to be embracing their reputation as insatiably hungry women as they embrace a fairly new food delivery service called Eat24.

For its part, Eat24 has done what neither Foodler nor GrubHub managed to: use pornography and pornographers as a notable customer base and part of its marketing campaign. After all, when non-performers are browsing the ‘net in the wee hours of the morning and become inundated with pop-up and banner ads, it’s only the nudie ones that catch their attention. After Eat24 found pornstars tweeting compliments “@Eat24”, spreading the word to their fans, the company’s marketing gurus decided advertising on adult websites would be the most obvious way to spread their new brand far and wide to those who’d likely embrace it: porn fans!

Published on Eat24’s blog, How to Advertise on a Porn Website broke down the company’s reasons for heading into NSFW territory. Infographics abound in the post, giving us laypeople a clear idea of why putting burgers, sushi, and subs on sites like PornHub is a stellar marketing strategy. (And why bananas didn’t make the cut.) The data amassed by Eat24’s researchers brought some curious factoids to light, too. Check out the regional results of polls attempting to discern our nation’s “Horngriest” Cities and Most Sensual Foods, as well as more boring subjects only of interest to designers and marketers, subjects like which banner ads solicited the most click-throughs. (Hint: it was this one.)

Eat24