Mr. Pink's Blog

Less Hockey, More Nookie

With a major dispute involving division of revenue, free-agency rights and salary arbitration (so, money) pitting team owners against the players’ association and closing down the 2013 NHL season, the Edmonton Oilers have been sidelined, leaving their fans twiddling their thumbs. Or, as Canadian adult retailers believe, diddling their ladies. Vinay Morker, owner of Hush Lingerie and More adult boutique in South Edmonton, told Edmonton Sun reporter Matt Dykstra that sales are up 15% because male fans are spending time usually devoted to hockey on the non-platonic women in their lives. “When Oilers fans, mostly guys, have to break their routine of seeing every game, they have more time.” Morker said. “And there’s nothing better than spending it with your spouse or girlfriend.”

So, ladies, it seems there’s a formula at play here that could improve your own sex lives. Instead of ignoring your fella when he harps on about linebackers and point guards and throwing the goalie, learn the terms, get an entry-level job at a sports management agency, work your way up to executive level, influence (or, hell, cause) a contract disputes and wait for your lapdog to come panting home to mama looking for a treat. If the aforementioned Canadian retailers are correct, he’ll come bearing gifts.

The Fleshlight That Sticks Around, Rain or Shine

How many times have you gone to take a shower and felt the pangs on regret and remorse as your mind started wandering back to a former flame and the many coital congresses you shared in the shower cubicle? Entering a solitary bathing situation after such reminiscences can cause even the sturdiest heart to waver and even the most aggressive libidos to fly off the chain. Good thing the always innovative Fleshlight is there to lend a helping hand in your lonely hour of need, even in the shower.

The recently launched Fleshlight Shower Mount uses a suction-cup design to grab hold of your shower cubicle wall and offers varying angles from which it accepts your loneliness or sexual frustration made flesh. (So, your boner.) That’s right, fellas, Fleshlight’s Shower Mount is a multi-angled attachment that can be affixed to almost any shower, bathtub, closet wall, hardwood floor, or (for the exhibitionists out there) storefront window and makes it a cinch to get yourself off hands-free.

The Shower Mount is now available on its own or with original, Stamina Training Unit, Ice, or any of the signature Fleshlight Girls units, as well as in vibrating form. This latest development from the leading male masturbation aid company comes hot on the heels of the interactive V-Stroker. the Halloween-themed Fleshlight Freaks range, and Vibro, the first vibrating Fleshlight.

What’ll they think of next, a Fleshlight that doesn’t send you obnoxious “wat u doin hun xo” texts the next day?

Street Art Meets Porn with Mishka

Brooklyn-based streetwear company, Mishka, might have let 2012 slide by without capturing every month in one of its near-legendary calendars, but it’s not about to let 2013 suffer the same fate. With photography by Ellen Stagg, the 2013 Mishka Calendar wraps porn’s most sizzling ladies in dynamic cartoonish imagery from the likes of Shane Jessup, Joe King, Buff Monster, and Magomed Dovjenko. There’s also a monthly comic strip from the utterly twisted mind of Johnny Ryan. But you’re reading a porn blog. You likely don’t give a shit about anything Mishka-related unless it involves pert nipples and a shapely thigh. Good news, then, as Jelena Jensen, Justine Joli, Lily Labeau, and Melina Mason (among others) have lent their alliteration-heavy names and incomparably sexy physiques to Mishka’s 2013 calendar.

As these preview images show, the combination of the artists’ graffiti and animation inspired illustrations and the extremely potent and provocative visions of beauty they surround make a unique way to chronicle your No Fap November progress. I mean, where else would you see Stoya bursting through a black hole and escaping the tentacles of an alien octopus creature as an angry eyeball and a leather jacket-wearing, cutlass-wielding cyclops speed away in an interstellar hot rod? Where else can you find Lauren WK toting an uzi, dynamite, and hand grenades as a near-naked Red Riding Hood? (Aside from your pants-moistening fever dreams, of course.)

Sexing Up Breaking Bad

Being a relatively minor player in the porn parody game hasn’t stopped Sweet Mess Films from tackling a critically acclaimed, almost universally revered television show that has been personally one of the greatest television shows I have ever seen – and the company has landed some top talent, too, with Lexi Belle, Tasha Reign, Brandy Aniston, and Presidential write-in candidate Ron Jeremy all nabbing roles. The title? Breaking Bad XXX: A Sweet Mess Films Parody.

Rodney Moore, an AVN Hall of Fame luminary and keen observer of the state of the adult industry, wrote the script to this, the first Breaking Bad porn parody, as a commentary on the looming threat Measure B held over the porn world, but he and director David Lord have managed to infuse the movie with plenty of laughs and libidinous activity, too, according to Jerry E., owner of distributor Exquisite Films. “Rodney Moore and David Lord have created a fantastic movie, which is as funny and sexy as it is politically charged,” E. said.

The plot sees Walt (Alec Knight), a university film studies professor diagnosed with terminal cancer and, worse, erectile disfunction, take California’s recent laws outlawing pornography production, distribution, and consumption and the banning of sexual enhancement drugs to heart. Armed with nothing but his wits, grounding in film theory, and a film student cum pornstar sidekick, Walt sets about rectifying the dismal state of sexual commerce stifling California’s collective libido.

Everyone – and I do mean everyone; at least, everyone I’ve ever discussed it with – seems to rave about Breaking Bad, and with Sweet Mess and Exquisite films gathering parody-fueled popularity after an hilarious take on The Addams Family, Breaking Bad XXX has a huge built-in audience and will likely be the only take on this phenomenally successful pop-culture property that I’ll bother with.

Breaking Bad XXX: A Sweet Mess Films Parody is out now and stars Alec Knight, Lexi Belle, Tasha Reign, Brandy Aniston, Kimberly Kane, Chanel Preston, Andy San Dimas, Eric Masterson, Steven St. Croix, Derrick Pierce, James Bartholet, and Ron Jeremy.