Entertainment | Mr. Pink's Blog

Octo-Porn Has Arrived!

Hey, remember that maternal train wreck the tabloid media dubbed “Octomom”? And remember the rumors that flew around suggesting she’d be taking to fucking on camera to keep her flock of 14 fed, clothed, and housed? Well, the rumors finally came true, with Wicked contract director Brad Armstrong helming her maiden venture into what could be the career that saves her from losing her La Habra residence after she filed last month for personal bankruptcy. That’s right, folks, the single mom who found worldwide notoriety for squirting out eight rugrats in one sitting is now a genuine adult performer.

While exact details of Suleman’s shoot are still largely under wraps, a few tidbits have leaked and are now being thrashed around the Internet, possibly as a respite from all the cannibalism stories that’ve been popping up of late. When her scene, which is masturbation-only, comes out, the curious can expect to see Suleman covered in, of all things, SpaghettiOs. Yup, SpaghettiOs. (No, I don’t know what the fuck is up with that particular prop either.)

Of her first experience pleasuring herself in front of a camera, crew, and eventually a home-viewing audience, Suleman said she owed a lot to Jessica Drake. “She opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could never have imagined.” While the company releasing the movie still hasn’t been identified, Suleman seems quite happy with their professionalism, saying “I don’t think I could have asked for a better crew to work with. They were so patient and willing to teach me.” Clearly given a substantial confidence boost, she told Huffington Post “reporter” Naughty But Nice Rob “They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy. I’m very excited for it to come out!”

Yeah, that’s what she said about the octuplets, too.

A Deeper, Darker Shade of Grey

Two weeks ago, I blogged about the latest literary sensation to cause shock waves throughout the entertainment world, Fifty Shades of Grey, and things have only become more interesting since then, especially in the adult industry. In the first of two major Fifty Shades porn-related tie-ins, Eldorado Trading Company and Pipedream Products have joined forces to offer readers and retail customers, offering a 30% discount to Eldorado’s successful Fetish Fantasy line of lingerie and sexual aids and allowing Fifty Shades fans a chance to indulge in some fan-fic role-play of their own. Eldorado is providing adult retailers with a plan for assembling the ultimate in kinky Fifty Shades of Grey in-store advertisements. So sayeth Briana Honz, Pipedream’s merchandiser, “The Fetish Fantasy line and its offshoot brands cover all the bases for fetish enthusiasts,” plying them with such naughty novelties as hand-cuffs, various varieties of rope, breathable ball gags, Love Masks, and the aforementioned lingerie line. Eldorado and Pipedream have done their part, now we’ll just have to see if retailers pick up on the offer and extend it to their customers.

In more explicit adult-related news, Smash Pictures has announced the casting of Allie Haze and Ryan Driller in their forthcoming parody film, 50 Shades Darker XXX, based on the second of the three Fifty Shades novels and directed by Jim Powers. With Haze’s recent departure from the Vivid Entertainment stable and Driller’s continued success in parody roles – his turn as Clark Kent/Superman in Axel Braun’s Superman XXX: A Porn Parody scored him an AVN Best Actor nomination this year – the pair were clearly the best choices for their respective roles, beating out all other hopefuls who turned up to Smash’s open audition just a few days ago.

Whether the Fifty Shades Darker parody will beat out the other adult effort, Adult Source Media’s already announced and as-yet-untitled hardcore parody of the first book of the best-selling trilogy, remains to be seen. So too, though, does the longevity of this recent pop-culture phenomenon. Flash-in-the-pan or a genuine advancement of BDSM culture? Does author EL James (no periods for this literary genius) have the legal right to halt production of porn movies parodying her best-seller, which in turn has its origins in copyright-infringing Twilight fan-fiction? You be the judge! (And jury and sexy, sexy executioner! Ooh!)

Earth’s Horniest Heroes

Unless you’ve been living under a drunken haze these past few months, you’re surely aware that a little comicbook movie about a team of mighty heroes in tight costumes called The Avengers just opened to record box office takings with $207.4 million opening weekend. There are, however, some long time members of the Merry Marvel Marching Society who haven’t yet shelled out the $9 dollars for a ticket (plus a $2 service charge and and another $3 for 3D glasses) to see their comic heroes on the big (really fucking big) screen. Rising ticket prices isn’t the only reason for avoiding the biggest blockbuster of the summer, though; there’s also resentment.

I, a long time fan of the Avengers comics – the Harris/Epting/Palmer run in the early ’90s, especially – resent the exclusion of the most attractive of the female team members: Ms. Marvel, The Scarlet Witch, Sharon Carter, and, yes, even She-Hulk. With only ScarJo as feminine eye-candy, it stands to reason there’s demand enough from the male heterosexual portion of The Avengers’ audience to demand this travesty be rectified. It’s too late for Marvel, though. Axel Braun beat them to it.

Axel Braun is the undisputed king of the contemporary porn parody and the man responsible for such hardcore takes on comicbook legends as Spider-Man, Superman, and Batman, all in movies suffixed XXX: A Porn Parody, so it’s no shock he took on Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and it’s no surprise he decided to include such wearers of skimpy form-fitting costumes as those women listed above. If you’ve seen his work you’d know that Axel Braun is many things, but he ain’t no damn dummy.

Check out the trailer for The Avengers: A XXX Porn Parody then report back here immediately, solider. That’s an order! (Don’t worry, it’s SFW.)

Now, just tell me Lex Steele doesn’t give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money as Nick Fury, and tell me Xander Corvus doesn’t bring the appropriate self-obsessed teen angst Spider-Man requires, and tell me you wouldn’t risk being crippled by the aggressive sexual potency of Spider-Woman’s (Jenna Presley) pheromone-aided seductive techniques. And that’s the Jessica Drew Spider-Woman, not one of the other, lesser versions. And Braun’s got Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole) in there, Brooklyn Lee squeezed into an ever tighter, shinier catsuit than ScarJo’s Black Widow, and fucking Chyna plays The Sensational She-Hulk – is that perfect casting or what? Really the only casting decision that seems a touch off is that of Lexi Swallow as Ms. Marvel; she’s great and all, but kinda slight for one of the most powerful human women in the Marvel Universe. How does the marvelous Ms. Swallow fare in her sex scenes with Spidey and Scarlet Witch? Vivid has every planet-threatening, kitten-saving, costume-shredding, face-blasting second of the most adventurous porn parody Braun has produced thus far, The Avengers XXX.

Hungry for Fifty Shades of Grey

Erotic fiction has long been the butt of jokes and insults slung by the literati and pornographers, both. So imagine author E.L. James’ surprise when her erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey raced up the bestseller list. The author, known to her husband of 20 years as Erika Leonard, claims to have had no inkling that what started as a BDSM-infused piece of Twilight fanfiction would soon become so popular she’d decide to change the names Bella Swan and Edward Cullen to Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, move into print-on-demand publishing, and be courting offers from Hollywood bigwigs intent on making the Fifty Shades trilogy, which also includes Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, the biggest thing since Twilight and The Hunger Games blew away box office records.

Describing herself as a shy mother of two who started writing what would evolve into the Fifty Shades Trilogy during something of a midlife crisis, James has apparently done what nobody expected would ever happen: she brought BDSM fiction into the mainstream. Telling the story of a recent college graduate (Steele) and her evolving relationship with a billionaire Seattle industrialist (Grey), Fifty Shades has some feminists all in a tizzy over its apparent willingness to place a naive, “innocent” of “independent spirit” (according to the author’s site) in the stranglehold of a domineering, manipulative, and downright abusive alpha male figure. Others apparently couldn’t care less about the sexual politics of the tale and are just along for the allegedly quite thrilling ride, a ride that involves repeated BDSM sessions in Grey’s “Red Room of Pain.” Twilight fans will surely notice some lasting similarities between the gazillion-selling vampire series, right down to the physical damage the male characters “love” inflicts on his victim… sorry, his “partner”. Whether or not Fifty Shades will attract the same degree of controversy as the novels on which it was originally based remains to be seen. So too does the question of whether the novels will turn a new audience into rabid erotic fiction devotees and bring them closer to the erotic artistry with which so many pornographers make their living. After all, it’s all sex (or something similar), isn’t it?

When the trilogy reaches your local cineplex, possibly starring Alexander Skarsgard or Ian Somerhalder who’ve both expressed interest in playing Grey, will you be standing in line waiting to see how the Red Room of Pain translates to the big screen?