Former Priest’s Obscene In-Flight Entertainment

MrPinksYou may have heard that a 63-year-old Reno man was recently busted for watching porn on his laptop and fondling himself mid-air on a SouthWest flight late last week, but did you know the guy is also recently defrocked priest of the Claretians order? Turns out the guy, who used the in-flight WiFi service to augment his barely concealed masturbatory fondling, was ejected from the order for, according to a 2002 article in the Austin American-Statesman, “alleged inappropriate contact with a minor, though an investigation found no evidence of violence or sexual abuse.”

Gee, thanks Padre! Now those of who who respectfully reserve our in-flight porn viewing for when we’re lucky enough to nab a seat in the rear-most aisle so as not to disturb or disrupt the other, more delicate passengers will now likely have to run all our in-flight Internet usage through content filters. There goes my catching up on AVN news bulletins during a red eye. Bye-bye some dude showing his buddy a photo of the pornstar he met while partying it up in Vegas. There goes your ability, dear reader, to  watch an episode of Red Shoe Diaries streamed on Hulu Plus instead of trying not to watch five straight hours of some animated shit on the screen belonging to the dumb-ass brat sitting in front of you, the brat who has reclined so far back he spilled your G&T and is preventing your kneecaps from breathing that stale in-flight air.

Well, at least, I suppose, we can content ourselves with the knowledge that this is one guy who won’t be whipping it out in public again anytime soon. Now if only the San Francisco Public Library system would install masturbation detectors, we could all read in peace, too.

Ice Cream Jokesters Can’t Take a Joke

Ben & Cherry's
Caballero Home Video

Ice cream company, Ben & Jerry’s, has sued adult film companies Rodax Distributors and Caballero Video, alleging that the release of hardcore pornographic films bearing titles similar to those given to their own internationally famous ice-cream products will likely cause “confusion, mistake or deception” and leave hungry confectionery fans bewildered. Uh, I didn’t get any sweaty testicles in my tub of Schweddy Balls, fellas! What gives?

In an apparent lack of self-awareness and a notable loss of any sense of humor, Ben & Jerry’s found the forthcoming Ben & Cherry’s porn DVDs so offensive that they immediately issued a threatening lawsuit that has unfortunately resulted in the targeted titles, which include Boston Cream Thigh, New York Fat & Chunky, and Peanut Butter D-Cup, from retail shelves around the country. Rodax and Caballero filed a federal consent order in Manhattan Tuesday that specifies that they will now destroy all materials related to the titles.

So, let me get this straight: Ben & Jerry’s can make mad bank with immature double entendre names for ice cream products – names like Schweddy Balls, the Hindu-mocking Karamel Sutra, and Chubby Hubby (briefly also known as Hubby Hubby) – but they can’t take a joke, let alone an obvious parody (a staple of the adult industry) when it “threatens” their registered copyrights? What do they expect, some choc fudge craving holy terror to just blindly wander into an adult establishment, pick up a DVD case, pry open the seal and start chowing down? What’s next, Bill Cosby suing the makers of Not The Cosby Show XXX because it really isn’t the Cosby Show?

Sex, Toys & Rock ‘n’ Roll

Phil VaroneUnless you’re Tommy Lee of Motley Crue (and Pamela Anderson sex tape) fame, being a drummer in a hard rock band doesn’t exactly equate to any kind of career in the sex industry, but Phil Varone of Skid Row is out to change all that. California Exotic Novelties, one of the leading producers of sexual aids in the USA, has signed the tattooed tub-thumper to a partnership that see Varone extend his already well established line of sexual products into the toy and novelty arena. (The drummer has already unleashed Phil Varone’s Secret Sex Stash, a feature-length sex tape compilation documenting his wild backstage antics both in and out of groupies’ pussies.) Dubbed Phil Varone’s Sex, Toys & Rock ‘n’ Roll, the product line launched back in May and is already making a splash.

Phil Varone's Sex ToysThe flagship product of Varone’s novelty line comes, not surprisingly, from a cast of the man’s member. Claiming to be the world’s first dong with a Prince Albert piercing, Dr. Philgood comes in vibrating and non-vibrating versions and presents its users with six inches of insertable shaft with a circumference of six-and-a-half inches and a nickel-free stainless steel semi-circular piercing. Varone’s latest endeavor isn’t purely a self-congratulatory exercise, though, and his other products prove that. The Cock-toban Penis Pump allegedly aids penile growth. The All Access Vibrating Pass comes in red and black and is a bullet-shaped vibrator with handy wrist strap. Erections can be enhanced and extended with the Ghost Rocker, while the Pierced Rocker cock ring adds a testicular support for additional stability. The line includes nipple clamps and cock rings galore, but peaks with Varone’s Sex Stix, a pair of multi-speed vibrating drum sticks “for solo or ensemble performance” that come complete with Phil’s signature scrawled on the shaft.

To take a peek behind the molding and casting process that produced readymade replicas of Varone’s seasoned boner, check out this “long form” (lol) video.