American Boobs Reach New 34DD Heights

Conjure in your mind’s eye the chest of a notably busty celebrity, be she an actress, singer, model, or newscaster. Perhaps it’s Tyra Banks or Sofia Veragara (both of whom are reportedly 34DDs, by the way), but whoever it is they’re causing a wave of tingling, tightening sensations through your body, aren’t they? That, my friend, is the power of the female bosom. It sustains new life while promoting its creation through everyone’s favorite physical activity. Truly, the bosom is integral to the survival of the species, but at what cost?


Climate change, violent revolution, oppression of races, genders, sexualities, and spiritual beliefs, poverty, natural disasters, mass shootings… Where are the breasts of the world when these things are wreaking havoc on our lives? Why aren’t they swooping in to save the day, their undulating soothing the enraged and encouraging the hopeless. If recent reports from one of the female breast’s comrades in cups, the lingerie industry, are as well grounded as they appear, we’ve reason to believe there’s an army of increasingly powerful boobage in the making, an army that could be the salvation of this great nation and its people.

Bra sizes are increasing, says lingerie retailer and “bra fit stylists” Intimacy, with the average US woman now fitting herself with a 34DD bra, a significant leap from 1992’s average size of 34B. But is this size increase due to larger breasts throughout the population (due perhaps to better diets and more exercise) or are women simply fitting themselves with more comfortable undergarments? The latter, Intimacy says, is the most likely cause, with spokesperson Kate Terhune noting “Women are more educated about bra fit.” This theory is echoed by Cosabella, an Italian label that recently added 38C, D, and DD sizes, whose spokesperson Guido Campello believes the industry is now “focusing on larger cup sizes more in terms of offering, where they had never offered luxury or fashionable product before.”

Whether or not supernaturally giant breasts will rush to humanity’s aid in our time of greatest need remains to be seen, but we can at least rest assured that whatever they’re doing and whoever they belong to, many such breasts, now blossoming in comfortably fitted brasseries, they’ll be more attractive and better supported, in turn supporting us all.

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