Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.

Universal Pictures Sues Fifty Shades Parodists

Fifty Shades of Grey XXXUniversal Pictures might be developing the official film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, the hit erotic fiction trilogy that has had sexually unsatisfied American women all in a tizzy these past months, but it’s not the only entertainment entity attempting to capture the seductive and salacious BDSM-infused story of a virginal college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and dominant business magnate, Christian Grey. Smash Pictures, an adult entertainment studio based out of Chatsworth, California has already completed production on its adaptation, an unofficial one that is now drawing the ire of Universal and the attention of its lawyers. Objecting to Smash’s making a film that flagrantly contradicts the right of Universal, which reportedly paid $4 million for E. L. James’ best sellers in early 2012, to produce its version, which the studio is reportedly negotiating with Angelina Jolie directing and Ryan Gosling taking the role of young multi-millionaire and devoted ass-man, Grey. Smash Pictures, however, contends that only it can do the novels justice.

Universal’s complaint states “By lifting exact dialogue, characters, events, story, and style from the Fifty Shades trilogy, Smash Pictures ensured that the first XXX adaptation was, in fact, as close as possible to the original works.” Smash VP Stuart Wall, named in the complaint alongside Smash owner Daniel Quinn and writer/director Jim Powers, told LA Weekly’s Barbie Davenporte about the company’s recent turn to more romantic fare after years of more explicit stuff, and called their Fifty Shades adaptation “very true to the book and its S&M-themed romance.” Davenporte added “And while parodies are the only way adult film studios can make money these days, making a ‘Fifty Shades’ version is truly the only way to put the three erotic novels in film in their BDSM glory without the MPAA censorship and film industry finger-wagging.” But if Smash and Powers are actually aiming for as close an adaptation as possible, does their claim to fair use of parody, the same legal protection that allows so many other porn parodies to exist, not apply? Without the clear distinction between the two versions of Fifty Shades, Smash’s and Universal’s, and the former already on shelves as the official one slugs through development and preproduction, both parties stand to make or loss a killing.

The Force is Strong with Axel Braun

Star Wars XXX parodyWith The Walt Disney Company having just purchased Lucasfilm and all its properties and holdings from chairman, founder, and sole owner, Star Wars creator George Lucas, you might assume porn parodies of Lucasfilm properties have been put on the back burner until the intended parodists can gauge what Disney’s reaction to seeing their latest intellectual property acquisitions dishing out blowjobs and being primed for anal penetration might be. Porn parody master Axel Braun, however, waits for no mouse.

Riding the wave of Star Wars-related news with their own announcement that pre-production on sequels to existing the Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody has already begun, Braun and Vivid Entertainment now hope to have the next parody out by this time next year. “We expect adult movie fans will continue to have an interest in our adult Star Wars parody movies, so we’ve decided to add a third parody film to the two we already have in pre-production,” Braun told AVN., cementing the fourth Star Wars parody and lighting the fires of anticipation in many a fanboy’s loins.

Braun’s first Lucas-unaffiliated effort has been the breakout porn parody success of recent years and even had pop culture site Die Screaming praising the feature for “managing to keep true to the look and feel of the original source material, while injecting a healthy amount of tongue-in-cheek humor,” and praising both the “amazing” graphics and the “dead-on” casting.

If you still haven’t seen Braun’s original Star Wars parody, maybe this SFW trailer will convince you to seek it out. But don’t be alarmed: that sensation you feel rising from just below your guts and urging you to stroke your lightsaber… that’s the force.

Esquire Crowns Queen Mila

Mila Kunis may have started off with a small role in Baywatch way back in 1994 but she’s now regarded as one of the sexiest young actresses in Hollywood. In fact, she’s just been christened the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine.

Mila Kunis

The men’s lifestyle bible’s annual charting of the ups and downs of models, actresses, and celebrity personalities who’ve made our knees quiver settled on Kunis as the preeminent babe of 2012 not just because she’s got the bangingest body or flashes the most sultry, come-hither looks, but because she’s “the most beautiful, opinionated, talkative, and funny” movie star of her generation. Discussing her career and relatively young life (she’s 29) with Esquire’s Ross McCammon, Kunis suggests her story of immigration to superstardom is not unlike those of many other young Jewish women living in Los Angeles’ Fairfax district, albeit without the fame and all that comes with it. Her fetishized story of emigrating from Ukraine to escape anti-semitism has contributed much to her aura of worldliness and cemented her place, for better or worse, as one of the more “exotic” American starlets in Hollywood today. Of course, her signature smokey eyes, husky voice (which has wormed its way into millions of American homes via her character Meg on Family Guy), and intellectual leanings (she follows international politics, especially that of Israel, quite closely and enthuses over her bookcases: “Check out these bookcases!”) don’t hurt one bit.

Still, there’s something vague and distant about Kunis. It’s as if she wants to play at being down-to-Earth while remaining closely guarded, even distant. In the end, though, she took off her shirt for Esquire – you can see the full photoshoot here – and for most guys, that’s all that matters.

Officially Sanctioned Spider-Porn?

Some of you no doubt know him as either The Amazing Spider-Man or yet another R-Patz clone, but Andrew Garfield has never really sparked a dot on Mr. Pink’s radar… until now. After briefly discussing porn names with journalist Matt Patches of Hollywood.com, Garfield admitted to watching Axel Braun’s recent web-slinging sex-fest, Spiderman XXX: A Porn Parody for “inspiration.” Yeah, whatever, A-Garf, like you didn’t shoot some webs of your own while ogling Brooklyn Lee’s Mary-Jane, a character who didn’t even make it into his relaunch flick.

“You can find inspiration anywhere when it comes to this character because ’cause it’s everyone’s; it belongs to everyone, porn actors, you know…” Garfield explained while continually fondling his own chin in a remarkable display of self-pleasure before following Patches’s lead into more family-friendly areas of discussion. Hey, these two instant pals can ignore the issue all they want, but if the dude playing Spider-Man is openly admitting to gleaning acting inspiration from porn, that sets a monumental precedent. Robert Downey Jr. has a long history of decadence so maybe the next Avengers movie will feature Downey’s Iron Man utilizing some less violent technological wizardry, perhaps to bed Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow. Who knows, maybe the next movie will see my favorite female Avenger, Ms. Marvel, added to the cast and perhaps played by Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia Helfer. Throw in the ferocious humanoid-feline Tigra (Michelle Rodriguez or Eva Mendes anyone?) and you’ve got a pretty damn intense level of sexual tension running around the big 3D-outfitted cinema come Avengers 2.

So, Joss Whedon, allow me to introduce you to a little flick called The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody.