It’s a Bat-Porn Party

Batman

Known by many names – Bruce Wayne, The Caped Crusader, The Dark Knight – the superhero most know as Batman was created 75 years ago this week by Bob Kane and Bill Finger. With the roaring success of Christopher Nolan’s acclaimed Dark Knight movie trilogy only just winding down, it seems an appropriate time to investigate other arenas in which to see Batman tussle with trouble. Yes, even if some of those arenas are inappropriate for the young’uns. Oh, you’re all miffed about the corruption and perversion of an iconic character of fiction? Don’t blame me, dude, blame Axel Braun.

Arguably the first and most influential adult film to combine a contemporary take on classic superheroes with explicit sexual activity, Axel Braun’s 2010 feature, Batman XXX: A Porn Parody put Dale DaBone in the grey, black, and blue duds and cast then up-and-comer James Deen as Robin, Lexi Belle as Batgirl, Tori Black as Catwoman, Evan Stone as The Riddler, and Randy Spears as The Joker. Cleanly directed by Braun with a heavy dose of ironic humor, the Vivid release saw much success and brought more comic book fans to porn than 1970s Lois Lane, Margot Kidder appearing in Playboy. Soon, superhero porn parodies were flooding the market and Batman remained chief pussy-pounder among the heroes now dropping their drawers for your entertainment.

BatFXXX: Dark Knight Parody came along shortly after Braun’s feature, directed by NIcholas Steele for Bluebird Films and starring Nick “Droppin’ loads!” Manning as the titular cape-wearer, Madelyn Marie as Katwoman, and Krissy Lynn as a female Robin named “Robina.” Also in 2011, Extreme Comixxx released The Justice League of Porn Star Heroes XXX, which saw Evan Stone, who’d previously played one of Batman’s arch nemeses, now picking up the mantle with glee. Battling an evil threat to the very existence of porn itself, the intrepid team of heroes ends the picture draining their, uh, “powers” all over Wonder Woman for a truly childhood-destroying climax.

Braun brought it all back home to Vivid in 2012 – or, more specifically, to the company’s new Braun-directed line of comic book parodies, Vivid Superheroes – with The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody, his take on Christopher Nolan’s dark and brooding Batman trilogy. This time with some thoroughly impressive costuming and special effects, and with Giovanni Francesco the latest actor to portray Kane and Finger’s globally famous vigilante, saw the biggest and boldest comic book parody yet. It was also less a traditional parody and more an explicit re-imagining of the recent blockbuster films, ditching the humor and instead aiming for high drama with hardcore fucking, spinal mutilation, bizarre appearances from Zatana and John Constantine, and villain Bane (Derrick Pierce) seemingly breaking Batman and making off with the tightest of his many squeezes.

With Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice due to arrive in theaters in May of 2016, we’ll likely see a couple of hardcore parodies of DC’s two biggest heroes hit the real and virtual shelves in the lead up to its release. And this time, whoever is cast as Batman is only going up against Ben Affleck, so they’ve probably already secured the fan’s allegiance and should coast to monumental sales. Me, I just want to see a porn version of Mister (or even Miss) Mxyzptlk. Make it happen, Braun!

Oh yeah, and happy birthday, Batman.

Can’t Keep a Danish Nympho Down

Plenty of those working in the adult industry have found themselves up against YouTube’s posted Community Guidelines for posting content deemed inappropriate and unwelcome, too sexually provocative for a general audience. Self-shot pornstar vlogs and adult movie trailers alike have been taken offline after being reported by more conservative users, but movies with worldwide cinema distribution deals have largely been left to flourish in the most expansive marketing tool the industry has ever seen. Until now.

Lars Von Trier

For those unaware, that’s Danish cinema provocateur Lars Von Trier, whose next film’s trailer was recently unleashed upon a global cinema culture wet with anticipation. Then, rather unceremoniously, it was pulled from YouTube, the most visible (and vital) viral video site (and promotional tool) in history. Thankfully, YouTube isn’t the only game in town, leaving Vimeo, Onion’s A.V. Club, and numerous other outlets to run the highly explicit, defiantly NSFW trailer uncensored. And, surpassing most expectations (at least the more puerile ones) and following on from a series of orgasmically evocative character posters, the trailer’s loaded with explicit imagery that should persuade you to ignore the more intolerable heart-wrenching films of Von Trier’s past and at least give Nymphomaniac, which is reported to run 5½ hours in its full cut, a devoted fast-forwarding.

For the trainspotters out there that still need to be convinced to check out the trailer, here’s a brief rundown of the carnally adventurous treasures it contains:

– Graphic (if brief) shot of labia in repose.
– Charlotte Gainsbourg crawling naked, sucking dick, and fucking on a hospital bed.
– … and beaten black and blue.
– A proposed virginity-shedding.
– Uma Thurman referring to a “Whoring bed,” before screaming her lungs out.
– A bare-assed caning, complete with instructions and corrections.
– Stacy Martin wiping what appears to be ejaculate from her lip and breathing “Wow.”
– Shia LaBeouf licking a nipple.
– Some crying.
– A few pretentious lines of voiceover.
– and Rammstein.

Nymphomaniac, in its truncated form, is set a Dec. 25 US release. Learn more at the official website and, for now at least, just watch the damn trailer!

Nymphomaniac Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.