Nikki Benz for Toronto Mayor

The beautiful, stately city of Toronto hasn’t exactly been getting great press of late, but the reasons are largely the responsibility of mayor Rob Ford. After numerous controversies plagued the early days of his term, and as the result of a Toronto Police Service gang investigation, Ford was documented in multiple videos to be a roaring alcoholic prone to “drunken stupors” in which he has ingested, among other intoxicants, crack cocaine. Some mayoral powers were taken from Ford and granted to his deputy, but with Canadian law preventing his removal from office, Ford intended to not only ride out his remaining days as leader of Toronto City Council but to run for reelection in October ’14. He’s up against some pretty stiff competition, though, in the shapely form of Ms. Nikki Benz.

Nikki Benz

– “Torontonians need someone who understands, who exudes transparency, someone whose positions are easily read by their actions.” – Nikki Benz

Heavily loaded with double entendre and emblazoned with the Brazzers logo, Benz’s first bout of campaigning for the office of Mayor of Toronto details what she considers the most important issues facing residents of Toronto today. Transit is of paramount importance, she says, with her fellow Torontonians deserving “a smooth and easy ride encouraging [them] to get on and off as pleased,” a ride outfitted with vibrating seats (for the ladies) and self-cleaning sex toys (for the gents) for an enjoyable commute. Unlike her incumbent opponent Ford, Benz fully supports Toronto’s Gay Pride parade, and sees it as a great way to let everyone know that her city is an open-minded one that promotes equality year-round. (The video then shows Benz sucking face with Kristen Price, driving her LGBT support home.) National Masturbation Day is another topic of concern for Benz, one which she wants to be the basis for a city-wide holiday to focus on self-pleasure. “Orgasms make for happy, healthy people, not like other vices,” she told her constituents, oh-so-thinly-veiling an insult to His (drug-addled) Worship Mr. Ford. Check out Benz’s campaign video in full:

With Brazzers clearly behind the allegedly authentic campaign, it’s a bit hard to take Benz’s run totally seriously. But, hey, if she’s made believers out of TMZ, who am I to question the validity of Ms. Benz’s efforts. Who knows, perhaps soon her fellow Torontonians will accept that a pornstar running on a corporate-sponsored platform of tolerance, progress, and pleasure might just be a better fit for the city’s highest office than a compulsively dishonest drug-addicted alcoholic prone to impossibly bad decisions on and off the clock… but probably not. She’ll certainly try hard to convince them, though: “Torontonians, don’t you worry. I’m coming home and Nikki is going to make everything feel so much better!”

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