Steaks & BJs: Because You’re Worth It

Steak and Blowjob Day

After hundreds of years of commercially co-opted romance made us guys slaves to our ladies on Valentine’s Day, one frustrated and under-appreciated guy did something about it. Starting out as a small grass roots movement to reserve an annual celebration of all men do to keep their ladies happy but soon becoming an international phenomenon, Steak and BJ Day has come a long, long way and now sees women around the world return to the stove-top or grill then drop to their knees in appreciation of their fellas.

Brazzers is arguably the most macho porn network on the ‘net and, true to its irreverent style, there’s a celebration going on at Real Wife Stories today, Steak and BJ Day 2014, that involves steak (obviously), fellatio (thankfully) and Madison Ivy’s marvelous devotion to dick. Standing on the set of her Cookin’ with Madison Ivy show, the Brazzers contract star professes her fondness for “fat, juicy steak” and encourages viewers to thoroughly “beat their meat” while bending over a counter, giving the crew a glimpse of her ass.

Madison Ivy

Offering the browned porterhouse to her producer husband only to be reminded of his veganism (read: emasculation), Madison denies his request for the BJ, telling us “Vegetarians are such pussies. I’m a carnivore and I like cock.” Brick, who has been manning the camera and stifling an erection, is called to the floor and fills the void left by his herbivorous superior. They chow down on the meat before she does on his, tossing her tiny, tight body around for full carnal effect.

Madison Ivy blowjob

If your Steak and BJ Day isn’t going according to plan, thank your preferred deity for Brazzers and Madison Ivy. (Oh, and that vegan dude, the husband she denied a blowjob? He stood by and watched his wife get plugged by some dude named Brick. What a pussy! Don’t be that guy!)

Madison Ivy cumshot

Brazzers Wants Your Gift Cards

Brazzers

There it was emblazoned across the bottom of a picture of Keisha Grey’s bountiful ass on the homepage at Brazzers HQ: “Trade Unused Gift Cards for Membership.” My jaw dropped. Could Brazzers really be telling me there’s a use for all those Starbucks and Target and Best Buy and (ugh) Marshalls gift cards my family members indifferently toss at me come Christmastime? Considering the ZZ sign-up process now includes the option to pay in the virtual currencies issued by everyone from Adidas and Aeropostale to Urban Outfitters, Victoria’s Secret, and even Wal-Mart and palmed off as thoughtless presents by pretty much everyone, I’d say that’s affirmative, wouldn’t you?

Brazzers opened this new avenue of payment in early January and has been Tweetin’ the news to its ten gazillion followers thusly:

When it comes to alternative methods of payment, the ZZ has some competition, though, as Naughty America recently announced that it would be accepting new members paying with bank checks and the controversial decentralized crypto-currency Bitcoin. With Bitcoin thrust under the nose of the CIA, the FBI, the DEA, the ATF (all the acronyms, really) due to deep-web markets like Silk Road, perhaps that seemingly useless stack of gift cards is indeed the wisest path of alternative porn-site payment. Brazzers assures its members the whole process will be painless and, aside from not getting the exact monetary value of the gift card in question, you’ll probably find it so. If you’ve got a $25 Starbucks card laying around, that’ll get you 16 days of access; a $200 Best Buy gift card earns you an insane 608 days of access!

And, bless ‘em, the Brazzers team has made the whole transaction anonymous so you’ll never have to ‘fess up and admit to your dear old mother that the Williams-Sonoma gift card she gleefully presented you and your then-girlfriend with all those months ago didn’t make it anywhere near a Williams-Sonoma store and instead was used to ensure you wouldn’t have to miss Madison Ivy’s hotly anticipated, much ballyhooed upcoming anal debut right here at Brazzers. Whew.

Brazzers Buys Madison Ivy

Madison IvyBrazzers’ focus on intense anal scenes, poundings of a blazing speed, and lube-heavy explorations of every female orifice that can conceivably (if not realistically or naturally) fit a penis, tongue, finger, toe, or tool could be the reason only men have been signed to exclusive performance contracts by the ZZ offices (Keiran Lee, for example). Perhaps women were too easily scared off by Brazzers’ reputation for physically demanding scenes and performances. But then, Madison Ivy is no ordinary woman.

Starting her adult career in 2007 at age 18, German-born, Texas-raised Madison Ivy won instant attention for her blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and a slim athletic figure that saw her somewhat typecast as a pigtailed “teen”. After a solid five years in front of the camera, though, the Madison Ivy of today bears little resemblance to the fresh-faced greenhorn of 2007. More tanned than a Jersey Shore cast member, with more obviously supplemented breasts than Pam Anderson, and as fierce a devotee to the benefits of marijuana use as Tommy Chong, 2013’s Madison Ivy is an all-sucking, all-fucking whoring machine. And she’s also the very first woman to sign an exclusive contract with Brazzers, where it is presumed she’ll be giving her fans and Brazzers members a gift many have been hoping for: her very first anal scene.

Congratulations go out to Madison Ivy and to Brazzers, but especially to the members and fans who’ll be witnessing this spectacular performer’s growth in what will undoubtedly be a highly visceral and thrilling fashion.

Every Little Thing at Brazzers

Jayden JaymesIn an apparent effort to keep viewers from watching scenes beginning to end and absorbing every little detail for themselves (even scenes like Jayden Jaymes’s recent soul-searching double-penetration episode of Real Wife Stories), Brazzers now offers the more goal-oriented viewers a full breakdown of what every scene entails, sexually speaking.

Adding to the recent implementation of a Jump to Action feature that, as detailed in late 2011 by Mr. Pink’s, allows viewers to skip straight to their preferred sexual activity with a simple mouse click, ), Brazzers now provides not only a full rundown of what happens in a given scene, but how much of the runtime is occupied by each act. Check out this image of what they’re calling Fuck Stats:

Brazzers Fuck Stats

The scene in question, a rather frenetic tag-team with Christy Mack and Madison Ivy, offers viewers almost six whole minutes of fellatio, most of it with both women providing the spit ‘n’ shine. Going down the list, prospective viewers into ass licking will note that it only makes a brief appearance. With this knowledge they might venture deeper into Brazzers’ archive to find another scene offering more attentive anilingus; perhaps even to another site.

But what of the joys of discovery that this new tool removes from the porn viewing equation? Once upon a time we’d hit ‘play’ with only a basic premise and cast list upon which to base our selection. Sure, plenty of those scenes chosen ended up being too boring or boner-killing to revisit, but many surprised us with hidden gems like oral creampies or brief anal excursions that we’d then discuss amongst our fellow viewers, solidifying a community and encouraging knowledgable contributions from all. Now, with Brazzers telling us exactly when, where, how, and for how long everything happens, some of the magic is disappearing and it’s all in the name of instant gratification. But then, that’s porn…

Three Years of Cumming Loudly

One of those porn networks easily passed over in favor of the Brazzers and Bang Bros of the industry, Cum Louder recently celebrated its third birthday with a very special scene that, as this shot from its early moments clearly shows, couldn’t be anything but incredible.

Cum Louder

From left to right, that’s Portugal’s NoeMilk, France’s Anissa Kate, Romanian Jasmine Black, and from Bulgaria, Claudia Shotz. And yes, they all appear in the scene, taking on three very lucky gentlemen in an orgy scene that trumps the four-minute clip compilation ‘Best of 2012′ that celebrated Cum Louder’s second year. NoeMilk and Anissa Kate, both powerful and compelling performers in individual scenes, seem especially thrilled to be given the chance to get properly acquainted, grabbing each other by the shoulders and making out passionately while Jasmine and Claudia seem entranced by the poundings they’re receiving.

Cum Louder might not have the 1080i HD videos (720p) and thousands of scenes it promises to prospective members, but for all its faults, any network that can gather talent like this to celebrate its third year of pornographic accomplishment achieved by following is well worth paying attention to.