Laughs | Mr. Pink's Blog

Scare Yourself Stiff with Fleshlight!

By now every porn-loving guy on the planet should be familiar with Fleshlight, the discreet, portable masturbation aid for men that offers custom molds of pornstar pussies in a variety of flesh-like textures. But with Halloween approaching, it seems only fitting that guys might want something a little otherworldly to stick their dick in. Asa Akira, love her to death, just doesn’t scream Halloween!

Fleshlight’s Freaks range of penis receptacles for men and dildos for women offer spooky Halloween-themed sexual satisfaction under the names Zombie, Alien, Frankenstein, Drac, and Cyborg. Modeled after some of history’s most monstrous creations (and those fucking blue Avatar creatures!) the Fleshlight Freaks range is one of the most inspired and original creations to come out of the sexual aid industry in quite some time.

Zombie’s feel is that of decaying flesh, with a warped, mangled texture that only the freakiest of masturbators (and die-hard zombie fans) will relish. The wrinkled, wounded phallus that is its dildo counterpart is truly horrifying and looks ready to fuck your girl’s brains out whether you want it to or not.

The electric blue Alien dick-sleeve has a more box-like opening than a humanoid vagina and looks surprisingly warm and inviting, while the Alien dildo, also glowing blue, is extra wide and just humanoid enough to seem like an evolutionary step up from what you’re no doubt packing.

The stitched faux-flesh of the “Frankenvag” and the piecemeal phallus dubbed “Frankencock” are oversized and sit right on the edge of perfection and collapse, with the famous Monster’s neck bolts now transplanted to the shaft of this Shelley-inspired dick. A truly barbaric junkpile modification of the human penis.

Drac takes the most romantic and erotic of the famous monsters and presents it in a more explicit hardcore rendering. Bat-wing labia open the door to your impending loss of fluids while the stake-like, thick-veined, crimson boner equivalent dildo is perfectly symmetrical and bound to thrill your Twilight-obsessed ladyfriend.

Perhaps the scariest of all Fleshlight Freaks, however, is Cyborg. The robotically ribbed SuperSkin-textured offers a bionic pussy for you to pound and comes in both vibrating and non-vibrating editions. Women, meanwhile, are presented with a cobalt blue, almost purple shaft that looks more like a futuristic videogame joystick than the fuckstick you’re wielding. Ribbed, ribbed, ribbed with a bumpy shaft and artificially sleek sack, the Cyborg rod could soon replace you if you don’t adapt and evolve.

Oh, and don’t take these out trick-or-treating or you’re liable to end up behind bars at the mercy of a fat, sweaty, tattooed cellmate!

The Perfect Pornstars

Everyone’s favorite purveyor of celebrity pseudo-porn, Mr. Skin, recently assisted YTD (YouTubeDownloaderSite) in their survey of past AVN Male and Female Performer of the Year winners in an effort to find out who in the celebrity realm comes closest to fans’ idea of the perfect pornstar, both male and female. Before we get to the results, though, let’s take a look at who was analyzed by the researchers, who looked at eye color, hair color, height, weight, age, zodiac signs, US state of origin, and, for the women, measurements and whether or not her bust was artificially enhanced.

AVN Female Performers of the Year (1993 – 2012):

Ashlyn Gere, Debi Diamond, Asia Carrera, Kaitlyn Ashley, Missy, Stephanie Swift, Chloe, Inari Vachs, Jewel De’Nyle, Nikita Denise, Aurora Snow, Ashley Blue, Lauren Phoenix, Audrey Hollander, Hillary Scott, Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze, Tori Black, and Bobbi Starr.

AVN Male Performer of the Year (1993 – 2012):

Jonathan Morgan, Jon Dough, Rocco Siffredi, TT Boy, Tom Byron, Lexington Steele, Michael Stefano, Tommy Gunn, James Deen, Evan Stone, and Manuel Ferrara. (Ferrara, Stone, Steele, Byron, and Siffredi all won multiple times.)

So, combine the above listed factors of these performers and who do you think you’d come up with? With the immense database of celebrity identities at Mr. Skin, YTD found that the ultimate female and male pornstars would be none other than the most facially symmetrical MILF in Hollywood, Jessica Alba and the most agreeably sexy Batman in history, Christian Bale. No surprises there, huh?

Aside from being the object of every male movie-goer’s lust, Alba, a 31-year-old Taurus from Califnornia, brought home the proverbial bacon thanks to her 5’6″, 118 lb, 34C-25-24 frame, and her brown hair and eyes. Bale, a Welshman, on the other hand, showed that male pornstars need not be American to win the industry’s highest accolade; his 6′, 180 lb body, green/hazel eyes, and brown hair placed the Dark Knight, a 38-year-old Gemini, among the best and brightest cocksmen of porn.

Wanna see how it all worked out? Here’s the rundown, courtesy of a neat-o burrito infographic by the YTD folks.

TSA Saves Airline Passengers from Huge Dick

A rather odd tale of air travel security popped up on Huffington Post this week, telling of a man who was temporarily detained and question by TSA agents after they detected an abnormal, uh, package in his trousers.

Jonah Flacon

Brooklyn’s Jonah Falcon, an actor with uncredited roles in such films as Death to Smoochy, City by the Sea, The Good Shepherd, and A Beautiful Mind, was slowly making his way through a security checkpoint at San Francisco International Airport on July 9th when a TSA agent noticed the prominent bulge in his pants and decided it was time to pull out that ol’ “Sir, that cock is weapon,” line. Only the agent was unaware of who he was dealing with. Falcon is, after all, the owner of the world’s largest recorded penis. At 13.5″, Falcon’s member was even large enough to cause the rumor mill to falsely claim his father was none other than porn legend, John Holmes.

Falcon told HuffPo that he had packed his own belongings carefully “to the left” and that he wasn’t erect “at the time”. After an agent inquired as to the contents of his pockets, Falcon admitted that they were empty. The next step was to haul Falcon and his hidden anatomical marvel into an x-ray body scanner and through a metal detector. Still puzzled, another agent of the TSA asked Falcon if he had some kind of abnormal growth. The agents even applied some powder to Falcon’s pants in order to detect whether or not the mysterious package was of a threatening nature. Eventually giving up the search for answers, the agents set Falcon off to his gate, where he made his flight without delay.

Now, this could be a thoroughly embarrassing situation for any number of reasons, but for Falcon, it was a laughable affair and a lesson he’ll take with him on all future travels. “I’m just gonna wear bike shorts from now on,” he said. “That way they’ll know. You’d think the San Francisco TSA would have had experience with hung guys before, but I guess not.”

A Parody You Can’t Refuse

This summer, director Lee Roy Myers and DreamZone Entertainment make you an offer you can’t refuse: a XXX parody of Francis Ford Coppola’s legendary breakthrough film and one of the most lauded achievements in American dramatic cinema, The Godfather. Although rather unimaginatively titled, Godfather: A DreamZone Parody, nonetheless looks set to blow away viewers with the story of the Whoreleone family, headed by the Dong (Peter O’Tool). As a porn war between families heats up and looks to explode, Dong Vito Whoreleone accelerates his family’s sexual aggression and confirms his hold on the illicit underworld gradually forming in American society.

The Don also puts his son Michael (Tommy Pistol) in the unenviable position of underboss; an assignment that doesn’t sit too well with Michael’s lady, Kay (Kagney Linn Karter taking Diane Keaton’s role and very nearly fulfilling one skinematic fantasy of this writer’s). With April O’Neil, Tommy Pistol, Jessie Andrews, Michael Vegas, Anthony Rosano, Mr. Pete, Bridgette B., and superhot up-and-comer Veruca James rounding out the cast of this hardcore mafia epic, you can be sure bullets won’t be the only thing flying across screen in this flick.

Available on DVD July 24th, Godfather: A DreamZone Parody is sure to fit nicely into that man-cave movie collection, taking place alongside other classic Lee Roy Myers porn parodies of Romeo & Juliet, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and A Wet Dream on Elm Street. Hell, this XXX Godfather DVD will even make a great substitute for The Godfather: Part III, taking that particular cinematic disasters place in your Coppola-approved Godfather box set – and your lady (or mother) will be none the wiser.