Mr. Pink's Blog

Blow Me Up Again, Tom

Any heterosexual male living in Southern California is surely aware of Tom Leykis, the talk radio shock-jock who owned the airwaves of the Los Angeles basin for many, many years before his former employer, KLSX on 97.1 FM, decided to change formats and launch an obnoxiously persistent stream of the latest pop disasterpieces. Taking some well earned downtime (and how) in between gigs, Tom Leykis, also known to his students, “sons”, and devoted listeners as “The Professor” or simply “Dad”, has been quietly but confidently building his own self-governed media empire.

The New Normal is the moniker given by Leykis to his new studio, broadcast catalog, and radio brand, and while Leykis hasn’t ever really been known for holding “normal” stances on most subjects, instead letting his libertarian philosophies pound truth somewhat forcibly into the minds of his mostly male audience. Most exciting is Monday’s upcoming official launch of The New Normal’s flagship show. Unsurprisingly presented by The Professor of Poon himself, the master debater so sorely missed on the bullshit-clogged airwaves, The Tom Leykis Show aims to bring back all the things that made Leykis’ former FM broadcasts some of the most controversial in the States.

Taking advantage of the social networking revolution, Leykis and his crew have been blowing up Facebook, Twitter, and their official website of late, posting promos, test broadcasts, and offering subscriptions to The Tom Leykis Show’s inaugural year at The New Normal. ($9.99 gets you one month of archived shows; $99.99 buys a year.) Anyone with an Internet connection, however, can head to Leykis’ homepage, Blow Me Up Tom, and tune in every afternoon at 3.00pm PST for a daily dose of Leykis 101 (Tom’s guide to getting laid cheaply, efficiently, and without the possibility of complications), Ask the Athiest (Tom speaking against the idiocy and ignorance of the religious), Flash Friday (flash your headlights at hot women in traffic and maybe they’ll flash back), and a slew of highly anticipated new features that will no doubt create as much controversy for Leykis as his old antics did, if not more. This is, after all, Tom’s show and now that he, not some faceless corporate entity, holds the reins, we can expect things to be even more brutally honest, borderline misogynist, and (to femi-nazis) violently repulsive than before. The New Normal will have Tom refusing to pull punches and dishing up the real story behind everything that happened in his absence from the airwaves, and on into the future.

And hey, old fans who just want their Professor back to guide them through the muddy swamp that is manhood, fans who just want to be “taken out old school” can rejoice in the wisdom of their surrogate father, leader, teacher, master, Tom motherfucking Leykis!

Charlize Theron: Hilariously Hacked

Aside from her Oscar-winning turn as executed serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the 2003 film Monster, there have been very few roles Charlize Theron has played that didn’t cause her to become the subject of sexual daydreams and fantasies in the minds of both men and women all around the world. Today, though, Ms. Theron showed more of herself than ever before and bared her sexuality to a surprised (but not that surprised) public as footage and photos stolen from her cell phone hit the Internet, causing a million instantaneous Sunday erections.

Shown taunting the lens of her camera-phone and promising a scene so scandalous it’d ruin her career if made public and make all other celebrity sex scandals seem like a paparazzi-snapped stroll in Central Park, the South African former model, bares her teeth, gives a piercing stare, and speaks of being “so nervous” about this particular production, her very first sex tape. Wha?

A whip cracks in the background, Theron throws on some eerie avant-garde chanting CD and then it happens; the camera turns to reveal the sultry Oscar winner’s partners in porn, two men gussied up in restrictive leather bondage gear. From the other side of the room, Theron taunts and orders around her slaves, gently instructing them to dance. Then, without warning, a guttural bellow is heard, scalding hot milk is thrown at the muted, immobilized sissies, and the woman who identifies herself as, and most definitely is Charlize Theron is suddenly standing beneath two hooded, masked figures, gyrating against their cloaked bodies and getting dangerously close to fellating their oversized plaster probosces. Who knew A-listers that weren’t Richard Gere got this kinky?*

*Apparently Funny Or Die knew. Those fuckers.

Naughty America’s Class Act

Anyone who has logged in to Naughty America lately would surely have noticed a few rather appealing advertisements littering the site and looking like they had just been pulled from two of the most glamorous, sophisticated, and well produced porn sites on the ‘net. I too noticed them and had my curiosity piqued. So, after some investigating (which largely took the form of this review and this review) I discovered that my assumptions were absolutely right on the money. The sites being promoted so fiercely were Tonight’s Girlfriend and College Sugar Babes, two brand-new efforts from the same folks behind Naughty America. Any, boy, were these two doozies!

Both websites offer deluxe fantasy porn for the discerning gentleman, Tonight’s Girlfriend imagining late-night hotel conferences with classy escorts, striptease artists, and adult performers. Starring Eva Angelina, Nicole Aniston, Madison Ivy, Audrey Bitoni, and the incredible two-fer of Kagney Linn Karter and Gracie Glam, Tonight’s Girlfriend’s scenes play out like a subjective male fantasy in which he (your mostly anonymous surrogate) has booked a woman to visit his suite while he’s away on business or quite simply treating himself. What happens once she arrives, receives her “gift”, and enters the bedroom in the outfit he suggested is entirely up to him.

College Sugar Babes, on the other hand, gives its viewers a chance to vicariously live out their fantasy of helping an intelligent, beautiful young woman make her way through the tough American college system with as little trouble as possible. They have a simple arrangement, here: he pays her rent, bills, tuition, or simply gives her a hefty allowance to spend as she wishes and she, in return, provides him with company of a decidedly intimate nature.

The two sites share obvious similarities but, in practice, exercise very different parts of the male fantasy mind. College Sugar Babes is the lighter of the two and the scenes there are quite fun and lively. Tonight’s Girlfriend, on the other hand, has a more serious tone as the “John” works out his marital frustrations, deeply held and quite overwhelming desires, and fetishistic impulses with the visiting professional. The High Definition 1080p videos look present the scenes in breathtaking style as they present each situation as an extremely adult affair. This deeply arousing atmosphere is amplified by the sure-handed direction that always keeps the camera close enough to feel extremely intimate without being crass and invasive, and frames-out the male performer so as to remind you, without cheap POV tactics, that you should be imagining yourself in this scene, not whatever stiff dick was on the call sheet that day. These, ladies and gentleman, is some of the most impressive, accomplished, and original works of pornography currently available and the sites are only getting bigger.

Oh, wow! You’ll have to excuse me for an hour or four. I just discovered another hidden gem that need a proper unveiling: MILF Sugar Babes, where desperate housewives turn to meet men other than their deadbeat husbands; men who’ll help them out where it counts most – financially and sexually.

Cell Phone Sin

Dear Missy Pink;

How do you know if you’re having an affair? I’ve not gone to bed with anyone other than my husband in the 20 years we’ve been married, but, where are the lines drawn when it comes to infidelity?

Nearly a year ago, I had the day off from work and a text came across my cell phone. Someone had keyed in the wrong number, and, I politely returned a message letting them know the intended person wasn’t who received the message. We joked back and forth about the mistake and found ourselves nearly 2 hours later still corresponding through our cell phones. The more he wrote, the happier I felt inside and the more I could barely wait for the next tweeting sound of an incoming message.

We found a real enjoyment in one another’s texting company, so much so, we would schedule our lunch break at the same time, even slipping to the restroom at the same time each day, just to send a note to one another, feeding the fire that was building within us. I’ve gone so far as to make an excuse to run to the store late at night, just to send him a good-night wish.

We are both married, happily so for the most part, but apparently lacking in areas that we seem to fill for one another. We’ve been texting a lot lately about actually meeting in person. I know him so well from our intimate messages, and vice versa, the next logical step would be to get together for lunch or a cup of coffee, but the temptation is already so great, I’m afraid where it might lead. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, and the urge is getting stronger for us both.

Cell Phone Sin

Dear Ms. Sin;

Well, I must admit, it seems you’ve dug yourself a horny hole that now you must decide whether to climb out of, or have someone toss you a larger shovel so you can continue digging. If you and your husband have already been married for 20 years, then I assume it’s safe to say I’m not talking to some teenager that’s following her puberty whims, you’re an adult, and know what feels right and wrong to you.

My own personal opinion, when it comes to having extra marital affairs, whether they be the tender romantic type or the full blown hardcore, meet in the middle of the afternoon at a cheap motel, bang each other’s brains out and then rush home to get dinner in the oven, there’s a philosophy I’ve followed. No matter how happily a married person is, they normally don’t stray from their wedding vows because they’re looking for new sex, what they’re seeking is the romance, intimacy, and that fluttering butterfly feeling in the pit of their stomach. All of the things forgotten about as middle age and routine seem to be surrounding in a suffocating manner.

You’ve fallen into that groove of get to know a new person, hear them laugh at my jokes, have them think of me all day long, say all of the romantic things that makes a heart go pitter-patter, and now and then, embark on the erotica that awakens those areas below the belly button that time has forgotten. You don’t have to spread your legs to constitute an affair, you’ve already broached the bedroom without actually hitting the sheets, and even though you feel as if you’ve not experienced guilt over your actions, it’s apparent that you have, hence, your reason for writing about sexual advice.

It’s human nature to think the next logical step as you called it would be to meet for coffee, but, I have a feeling if that happens, there’s going to be a lot of cream added to that coffee! The ground work is laid, the only thing left is the two of you. You need to do some deep soul searching, maybe take a break from your break-time texting, spend some quality moments with your husband, see if the spark is still there. If you’ve got stronger embers from your texting romance, then you might want to seek more than cell phone service from your soul searching. Is it time to walk into something new, or should you invest that time into working on what you’ve had for 20 years and make it last another 30?

To answer your question to the best of my ability, in the eyes of many, yes, you are embarking into an affair, your heart has already been involved. For now, keep both feet on the floor until you have a foundation of what you truly want and what you believe you can deal with when it comes to looking in the mirror each morning. Maybe instead of an OMG! (Oh My God!) message, you should sent a TTYL. (Talk to you later), because, if you’re bothered by this enough to seek advice, then you’re not ready to take it one step further. Life is short, and yes, you should grab the brass ring, but don’t forget the golden one on your left hand.

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