Celebrities | Mr. Pink's Blog

Possible Porno Auteurs

For all Hollywood’s financial, technological, and artistic success, no mainstream (or even indie) filmmaker has used any part of the Hollywood system to produce and distribute an explicit pornographic movie. Sure, a few directors have included unsimulated sex in their films specifically to arouse their audiences sexually, as opposed to intellectually or emotionally (see Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny or Larry Clark’s Ken Park), but where is that genre-breaking, convention-destroying hardcore sex movie Hollywood radicals have been promising for decades?

In order to encourage the more adventurous auteurs out there, I decided to come up with a short list of filmmakers I’d love to see tackle a narrative movie with explicit sex aimed at fairly mainstream audiences. Some choices might seem a little out there, but so are some of the directors’ oeuvres.

Steven Soderbergh:

While the Traffic and Oceans 11 director has announced he’ll be retiring after his current projects are finished, it’d be great if he could squeeze a hardcore porn flick out, too. Why? His upcoming Magic Mike stars Channing Tatum as a male stripper

Lars Von Trier:

Ok, so he refuses to visit America and hates the Hollywood system, but since he’s cast some of our greatest contemporary actors, let’s give the Danish enfant terrible a pass. He did, after all, includ a few brief glimpses of actual penetration in 2009’s Antichrist, but the bodies didn’t belong to actors Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe. Next time, Lars, why not go all out and have, say, Alexander Skarsgård present Christina Hendricks with a pearl necklace, porno style?

Steven Spielberg:

Everyone loves Spielberg, right? The guy made E.T. and Schindler’s List, for chrissakes! Doesn’t that prove he’s an unquestionable genius of the cinematic arts? Given his cache and cred, instead of wading in tear-jerking territory with his most recent efforts, why doesn’t Hollywood’s most powerful auteur put his weight behind something truly revolutionary? What’s that? He already has?

Well, color me impressed.

Blow Me Up Again, Tom

Any heterosexual male living in Southern California is surely aware of Tom Leykis, the talk radio shock-jock who owned the airwaves of the Los Angeles basin for many, many years before his former employer, KLSX on 97.1 FM, decided to change formats and launch an obnoxiously persistent stream of the latest pop disasterpieces. Taking some well earned downtime (and how) in between gigs, Tom Leykis, also known to his students, “sons”, and devoted listeners as “The Professor” or simply “Dad”, has been quietly but confidently building his own self-governed media empire.

The New Normal is the moniker given by Leykis to his new studio, broadcast catalog, and radio brand, and while Leykis hasn’t ever really been known for holding “normal” stances on most subjects, instead letting his libertarian philosophies pound truth somewhat forcibly into the minds of his mostly male audience. Most exciting is Monday’s upcoming official launch of The New Normal’s flagship show. Unsurprisingly presented by The Professor of Poon himself, the master debater so sorely missed on the bullshit-clogged airwaves, The Tom Leykis Show aims to bring back all the things that made Leykis’ former FM broadcasts some of the most controversial in the States.

Taking advantage of the social networking revolution, Leykis and his crew have been blowing up Facebook, Twitter, and their official website of late, posting promos, test broadcasts, and offering subscriptions to The Tom Leykis Show’s inaugural year at The New Normal. ($9.99 gets you one month of archived shows; $99.99 buys a year.) Anyone with an Internet connection, however, can head to Leykis’ homepage, Blow Me Up Tom, and tune in every afternoon at 3.00pm PST for a daily dose of Leykis 101 (Tom’s guide to getting laid cheaply, efficiently, and without the possibility of complications), Ask the Athiest (Tom speaking against the idiocy and ignorance of the religious), Flash Friday (flash your headlights at hot women in traffic and maybe they’ll flash back), and a slew of highly anticipated new features that will no doubt create as much controversy for Leykis as his old antics did, if not more. This is, after all, Tom’s show and now that he, not some faceless corporate entity, holds the reins, we can expect things to be even more brutally honest, borderline misogynist, and (to femi-nazis) violently repulsive than before. The New Normal will have Tom refusing to pull punches and dishing up the real story behind everything that happened in his absence from the airwaves, and on into the future.

And hey, old fans who just want their Professor back to guide them through the muddy swamp that is manhood, fans who just want to be “taken out old school” can rejoice in the wisdom of their surrogate father, leader, teacher, master, Tom motherfucking Leykis!

Charlize Theron: Hilariously Hacked

Aside from her Oscar-winning turn as executed serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the 2003 film Monster, there have been very few roles Charlize Theron has played that didn’t cause her to become the subject of sexual daydreams and fantasies in the minds of both men and women all around the world. Today, though, Ms. Theron showed more of herself than ever before and bared her sexuality to a surprised (but not that surprised) public as footage and photos stolen from her cell phone hit the Internet, causing a million instantaneous Sunday erections.

Shown taunting the lens of her camera-phone and promising a scene so scandalous it’d ruin her career if made public and make all other celebrity sex scandals seem like a paparazzi-snapped stroll in Central Park, the South African former model, bares her teeth, gives a piercing stare, and speaks of being “so nervous” about this particular production, her very first sex tape. Wha?

A whip cracks in the background, Theron throws on some eerie avant-garde chanting CD and then it happens; the camera turns to reveal the sultry Oscar winner’s partners in porn, two men gussied up in restrictive leather bondage gear. From the other side of the room, Theron taunts and orders around her slaves, gently instructing them to dance. Then, without warning, a guttural bellow is heard, scalding hot milk is thrown at the muted, immobilized sissies, and the woman who identifies herself as, and most definitely is Charlize Theron is suddenly standing beneath two hooded, masked figures, gyrating against their cloaked bodies and getting dangerously close to fellating their oversized plaster probosces. Who knew A-listers that weren’t Richard Gere got this kinky?*

*Apparently Funny Or Die knew. Those fuckers.

Bree Olson: Naked for Kony 2012

Alongside his father Nick, George Clooney was arrested last Friday outside the Sudanese embassy in Washington D.C. during a protest organised to draw attention to Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir’s alleged bombing attacks on his own citizens, primarily in South Kordofan near Sudan’s border with newly independent South Sudan.

Like Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor, former pornstar Bree Olson felt compelled to take action after hearing of the Kony 2012 protest movement, a largely online protest encouraging further U.S. efforts to arrest Joseph Kony, leader of Ugandan guerilla group the Lord’s Resistance Army. Having been made aware of Kony’s International Criminal Court indictment for war crimes and violations of the human rights of his fellow citizens, most of which have now been well documented on respectable websites, Bree decided to cavort around on the beach in Los Angeles, wearing next to nothing, and upload a video to YouTube. As you do.

Informing her viewers of Kony’s horrific crimes while providing some rather absurd eye-candy – check out Bree’s facial expressions as she smears muddy sand around her neck and that “is she stoned or serious” look she gives while walking alongside one of LA’s ubiquitous chain-link fences – Bree says she juxtaposed these images of herself with photographic evidence of Kony’s crimes because “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

Hey, good for her, she got involved in a movement she cares about. And while many of Bree’s fans will be thrilled to ogle her one more time and might possibly read up on and even protest Kony’s crimes in their own way, they’re probably just pissed the ex-pornstar with a rather scary impregnation fantasy didn’t actually take it all off like the title of her video, Naked for Kony 2012, suggested.