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The Perfect Pornstars

Everyone’s favorite purveyor of celebrity pseudo-porn, Mr. Skin, recently assisted YTD (YouTubeDownloaderSite) in their survey of past AVN Male and Female Performer of the Year winners in an effort to find out who in the celebrity realm comes closest to fans’ idea of the perfect pornstar, both male and female. Before we get to the results, though, let’s take a look at who was analyzed by the researchers, who looked at eye color, hair color, height, weight, age, zodiac signs, US state of origin, and, for the women, measurements and whether or not her bust was artificially enhanced.

AVN Female Performers of the Year (1993 – 2012):

Ashlyn Gere, Debi Diamond, Asia Carrera, Kaitlyn Ashley, Missy, Stephanie Swift, Chloe, Inari Vachs, Jewel De’Nyle, Nikita Denise, Aurora Snow, Ashley Blue, Lauren Phoenix, Audrey Hollander, Hillary Scott, Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze, Tori Black, and Bobbi Starr.

AVN Male Performer of the Year (1993 – 2012):

Jonathan Morgan, Jon Dough, Rocco Siffredi, TT Boy, Tom Byron, Lexington Steele, Michael Stefano, Tommy Gunn, James Deen, Evan Stone, and Manuel Ferrara. (Ferrara, Stone, Steele, Byron, and Siffredi all won multiple times.)

So, combine the above listed factors of these performers and who do you think you’d come up with? With the immense database of celebrity identities at Mr. Skin, YTD found that the ultimate female and male pornstars would be none other than the most facially symmetrical MILF in Hollywood, Jessica Alba and the most agreeably sexy Batman in history, Christian Bale. No surprises there, huh?

Aside from being the object of every male movie-goer’s lust, Alba, a 31-year-old Taurus from Califnornia, brought home the proverbial bacon thanks to her 5’6″, 118 lb, 34C-25-24 frame, and her brown hair and eyes. Bale, a Welshman, on the other hand, showed that male pornstars need not be American to win the industry’s highest accolade; his 6′, 180 lb body, green/hazel eyes, and brown hair placed the Dark Knight, a 38-year-old Gemini, among the best and brightest cocksmen of porn.

Wanna see how it all worked out? Here’s the rundown, courtesy of a neat-o burrito infographic by the YTD folks.

TSA Saves Airline Passengers from Huge Dick

A rather odd tale of air travel security popped up on Huffington Post this week, telling of a man who was temporarily detained and question by TSA agents after they detected an abnormal, uh, package in his trousers.

Jonah Flacon

Brooklyn’s Jonah Falcon, an actor with uncredited roles in such films as Death to Smoochy, City by the Sea, The Good Shepherd, and A Beautiful Mind, was slowly making his way through a security checkpoint at San Francisco International Airport on July 9th when a TSA agent noticed the prominent bulge in his pants and decided it was time to pull out that ol’ “Sir, that cock is weapon,” line. Only the agent was unaware of who he was dealing with. Falcon is, after all, the owner of the world’s largest recorded penis. At 13.5″, Falcon’s member was even large enough to cause the rumor mill to falsely claim his father was none other than porn legend, John Holmes.

Falcon told HuffPo that he had packed his own belongings carefully “to the left” and that he wasn’t erect “at the time”. After an agent inquired as to the contents of his pockets, Falcon admitted that they were empty. The next step was to haul Falcon and his hidden anatomical marvel into an x-ray body scanner and through a metal detector. Still puzzled, another agent of the TSA asked Falcon if he had some kind of abnormal growth. The agents even applied some powder to Falcon’s pants in order to detect whether or not the mysterious package was of a threatening nature. Eventually giving up the search for answers, the agents set Falcon off to his gate, where he made his flight without delay.

Now, this could be a thoroughly embarrassing situation for any number of reasons, but for Falcon, it was a laughable affair and a lesson he’ll take with him on all future travels. “I’m just gonna wear bike shorts from now on,” he said. “That way they’ll know. You’d think the San Francisco TSA would have had experience with hung guys before, but I guess not.”

A Parody You Can’t Refuse

This summer, director Lee Roy Myers and DreamZone Entertainment make you an offer you can’t refuse: a XXX parody of Francis Ford Coppola’s legendary breakthrough film and one of the most lauded achievements in American dramatic cinema, The Godfather. Although rather unimaginatively titled, Godfather: A DreamZone Parody, nonetheless looks set to blow away viewers with the story of the Whoreleone family, headed by the Dong (Peter O’Tool). As a porn war between families heats up and looks to explode, Dong Vito Whoreleone accelerates his family’s sexual aggression and confirms his hold on the illicit underworld gradually forming in American society.

The Don also puts his son Michael (Tommy Pistol) in the unenviable position of underboss; an assignment that doesn’t sit too well with Michael’s lady, Kay (Kagney Linn Karter taking Diane Keaton’s role and very nearly fulfilling one skinematic fantasy of this writer’s). With April O’Neil, Tommy Pistol, Jessie Andrews, Michael Vegas, Anthony Rosano, Mr. Pete, Bridgette B., and superhot up-and-comer Veruca James rounding out the cast of this hardcore mafia epic, you can be sure bullets won’t be the only thing flying across screen in this flick.

Available on DVD July 24th, Godfather: A DreamZone Parody is sure to fit nicely into that man-cave movie collection, taking place alongside other classic Lee Roy Myers porn parodies of Romeo & Juliet, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and A Wet Dream on Elm Street. Hell, this XXX Godfather DVD will even make a great substitute for The Godfather: Part III, taking that particular cinematic disasters place in your Coppola-approved Godfather box set – and your lady (or mother) will be none the wiser.

Smurfing Around with Hustler

Of all notable pop culture properties, few are less overtly sexual than The Smurfs. The Muppets have that dominating vixen Miss Piggy and even the Teletubbies offered up some rather sexual imagery (those things on their heads sure seemed phallic and Twinky Winky was a noted gay icon), but the closest it seems The Smurfs ever came to promoting discussion of sexuality was that scene in Donnie Darko where Donnie’s friends suggest Smurfette, as the only notable female Smurf, serviced the entire village; hardly a reputable journal of psychological or sociological inquiry. There you have it, Smurfs aren’t a sexually motivated creation. This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX, however, is.

Another parody porn from the reigning king of the genre, director Axel Braun, this seemingly uncalled for hardcore romp through Smurfdom centers around the not at all blue pornstar, Nicole Aniston. Slaving away behind the reception desk at the Hustler offices, Nicole is startled by the sudden space-time-continuum-destroying arrival of three little blue people on her desk. It turns out Brainy Smurf (Jeremy Conway) rigged up a teleportation device and thrust himself, Papa Smurf (Jay Crew), and the delightful Smurfette (Lexi Belle) into the present day real world. Evan Stone, also plodding around the Hustler offices – so, no springing for elaborate sets or location shoots then, Braun? – presents Nicole with a challenge: if he finds the little blue critters, he’ll want them all to himself, forcing the busty blonde to distract him the only way she knows how. Fast-forward a touch and the Smurfs soon discover another of their kind (Charley Chase) and Hustler shutterbug Bill Diehl promptly shoots both Smurfettes in a lesbian scene that begins the show the superficial nature of their blue skin.

Soon enough, the bright blue penises arrive on the scene and the colorful makeup is really put to the test. Although it’s somewhat distracting to find yourself counting the globs of blue body paint falling off the performers as Papa and Brainy prove to Charley that they’re blue from head to toe, even beneath their tight white and red trousers. Lexi’s Smurfette isn’t denied a solid dicking, either, and the final sex scene pits her diminutive cobalt pussy against Gargamel’s (Barry Scott) impressive pink sword.

This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX is now available as a two-disc set (with bonus 3-D version and glasses included) in adult retail establishments everywhere. Those fully devoted to online video can see the bluest blue movie of all time at Hustler.