Laughs | Mr. Pink's Blog

Dildo Theft on Pain and Gain Set

Anyone who’s ever been on the set of any reasonably sized film production, porno or otherwise, knows that theft is rampant: theft of credit, theft of ideas, theft in the form of grossly overpaid players, theft of costume items and props. On the set of Michael Bay’s bodybuilding crime hit, Pain and Gain, however, something rather unusual items failed to make it back to the prop truck after shooting: sex toys.

Talking to The Daily Beast, Bay revealed that after he spent $75,000 on a treasure trove of the sex toy industry’s greatest creations, someone or someones managed to take off with a good chunk of them. A confounded Bay explains as best he can:

“We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

One cast member not likely to be the culprit is Rebel Wilson, seen below wielding her own artificial bedroom spicer-upper, a pair of nunchaku, that she pulled out when Bay requested the sex scene they were shooting needed to be sexier. Clearly this a woman with a strong arsenal all her own.

Personally, I’m putting my money on Peter “Where is Pancakes House?” Stormare.

Smoke My Bacon, Baby!

Your deep-frier-owning, ranch-dressing-drizzling, Mexican-Coke-preferring girlfriend has said there’s only one thing she loves more than you and it’s bacon and now you don’t know how to reignite the passion of fellatio in your relationship without feeling and smelling like a bona fide pig-fucker? Well, friend, J&D Foods has a product for you: bacon condoms. That’s right, folks, the makers of Bacon Ranch, Bacon Gravy and Bacon Shaving Cream, of bacon flavored lip balm, bacon scented roses, and even bacon sunscreen comes a rubber that’ll “make your meat look like meat”.

For those of you not throwing up your breakfast… J&D’s Bacon Condoms are made of latex but instead smell and taste of freshly sizzled rashers of fatty hog flesh. While I cannot at this time report on how these Bacon Condoms feel against human skin, they also look quite a bit like bacon given the fleshy, meaty design patterned on each, uh, unit. Like most bacon-celebrating products, demand has proven quite high for J&D’s absurd (and absurdly delicious) contraceptive product. Already out of stock after only a month on the market, Bacon Condoms can be yours if you add your name to the waiting list… or hit the supermarket for some DIY porking and poking.

Axel Braun: Man of Iron

Iron Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody It seems there’s no stopping the superhero movie juggernaut. Not only did Joss Whedon’s movie adaptation of Marvel’s The Avengers become the third highest-grossing film of all time soon after its May 2012 release, but it cemented plans for more Marvel properties to make the transition from printed page to silver screen and the already widespread availability of explicit adult parodies of said Marvel properties into overdrive. The undisputed king of porn parodies, Axel Braun has already turned his hand to Marvel characters more than once – his XXX interpretations of Spider-Man, She-Hulk, and The Avengers won rave reviews and confirmed porn parodies as the hottest ticket in town – and now the master is turning his hand to, of all things, the story of a dying man imprisoned in a suit of iron.

The success of two previous Iron Man films, along with Robert Downey, Jr.’s charisma, might’ve guaranteed a ton of pre-release interest for the forthcoming Iron Man 3, but such hype doesn’t always translate into sales of a derivative porn parody. With Braun’s track record, though, he’s not likely worried. The trailer for his upcoming Iron Man XXX parody has finally been unveiled and, boy, it doesn’t look like Braun’s pulled any punches this time around.

Iron Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody stars Dale DaBone as billionaire industrialist Tony Stark and as his armored superhero alter-ego, Iron Man. DaBone is joined by superbabes Lexi Belle, Brooklyn Lee, Shazia Sahari, and Skin Diamond, with Lexington Steele reprising his crucial role as Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. But who landed the pivotal role as the movie’s villain, The Mandarin, played in the official film by Ben Kingsley, I can hear you asking? Watch the trailer, bro – it answers all your questions and raises a few new ones, all in preparation for the release of Iron Max XXX: An Axel Braun Parody next month.

Groupies Make Life Selector Interesting – Pt. 4

aftertheshow

After filling a reasonably large venue with cheers and not jeers, my band Beef Supreme were nowhere to be found, leaving me to wake up on a table surrounded by pills, butts, and bottles, wondering what hotel I ended up in and whether I’d slept past checkout time. Opening the door, I was greeted (and given a headache) by two screaming, bouncing groupies. Dude, I love groupies! I quickly signed their boobs only to be faced with the toughest decision of my morning so far: bang the blonde in the black dress or bang the blonde in the white fishnet top?

Since the girl in black was the only one I could understand as she and her friend gabbed a thousand praises and pleasantries upon meeting me, I choose her – and it only costs me 25 credits! With nothing to lose but my untarnished record for impeccable sexual health and the hangover currently doing a John Bonham on my noggin, I dove in and endeavored to prove to this sycophantic slut that I was no washed-up old rocker but a virile young stud loaded with enough sexual energy to rival Vince Neil or Izzy Stradlin at their best.

“I’m gonna make you horny even if you don’t want me,” she said as she laid back on my hotel bed, spreading her legs and placing two fingers… right… there. “What do you mean ‘if I don’t want you?’ I picked you, didn’t I?” I was clearly still drunk from last night’s after-party, so I decided to simply sit back and enjoy the show. After a minute or two, she reached back, grabbed an empty wine bottle and promised to show me something.

bottle

Uh, perhaps I better step in before she gives herself (and me) an infection.

doggy

After four minutes of pounding her from behind, I start to feel a familiar sensation rising from deep within me. Although she has offered to let me spank her ass, pull her hair, and stick in her rear, I instead opt to blow. After all, it’s not like I need to keep her around if I’m done with her, right? I must still be high as well as drunk, ’cause for some reason I nut in a half-full beer glass which she dutifully, gleefully downs in one gulp then heads for the door.

drink

Man, I could really get used to this rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle at Life Selector.