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Literature Lust – Mr. Pink’s Sex Advice

Dear Missy Pink,

I’m a female, 40+ in age, married to the same man for 21 years. Life has become comfortable, yes, routine and at times feeling a bit of a rut has taken over, but still, comfortable. We’re the typical next door neighbor, we both work, empty nesters, are in bed after the nightly news and Saturday nights are reserved for sex. My one relaxing act through the week is reading, and, I enjoy the dirty paperback books that need to be hidden between reading episodes. That’s how I put myself to sleep at night, dozing off between chapters. My husband recently picked up one of my books for the first time and read through a few pages. Now he’s thinking I want what’s written on the pages and he’s excited about trying different types of sexual fetish acts, and I don’t want that at all, it’s fun to read about, but, that’s where it stops. How do I tell him without him thinking I’m just not interested in getting kinky with him?

Literature Lust

Dear Lust,
Well, it’s a fine pornographic pickle you find yourself in! If you were to ask 10 women if they’d be game to follow his excitement or would they be more apt to agree with you, where reading about it is enough, I would have to first ask, how many of those 10 women are single, how many married. I say that, for a good reason.

When a couple get together and everything is new, exciting, abundantly wrapped in flirting and innuendoes, they enjoy the naughtiness of reaching an orgasm. The acts of hardcore pleasure, fetish filled moments that make them think about what’s transpired until they have the next erotic escapade. It’s all consensual and sensual when it’s fresh and new, but, as you mentioned, you’ve been married for over twenty years, so, there is this sort of adult image, an aura of being a responsible pillar of the community, things have settled down to a pace you feel good about. For singles, there is still that wildness of exploration and experimentation, for married people, it’s familiarity.

Men are visual creatures, so, as he read the pages of your book, he imagined seeing you in a sexy bit of lingerie, stockings tied around your wrists and ankles, your chest rising and falling from hard breathing as you anticipate the fetish act he’ll bestow upon you. In his mind, he may have only read a few pages, but, his imagination has taken him through volume two and three already. It may be too, he believes since that’s what you’re reading about, that’s what you want, and he’s happy to comply.
For women, we seemingly enjoy wrapping our minds around the written word. Anything can be sexy to us if it’s narrated from the pages in a manner that leaves us feeling as though we can become one of the characters….and that is the key. We place ourselves in the book, we become who we’re reading about, it’s an escape from the everyday life of who we are, and it will make for some very passionate and wet dreams through the night, but, when the alarm goes off, we return to our own bed, our own life, and our own way of feeling comfortable.

With kindness and compassion, explain to your husband that you love him, and you lust after him, but in the manner as things are now, that is what you find sexy. Tell him the books are merely fantasy, and reality is much better in your opinion. Just as he watches football every weekend and imagines himself on the field, grunting and sweating and scoring the winning touchdown, it’s a great dream, but he wouldn’t really want to take that brutal punishment each weekend. Once you make him understand he scores highly every Saturday night in the bedroom, he’ll feel like the most valuable player of your life.

Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.

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Playboy Taps Crimson for Tips

We at Mr. Pink’s have been big fans of Camille Crimson and The Art of Blowjob for some time, but it seemed like everyone else was still favoring puke-inducing deep-throats as vicious as they seemed uncomfortable. Lately, however, the world seems to be waking up to Ms. Crimson’s unique porn styling and her devotion to, well, the art of giving blowjobs. Especially noteworthy is Crimson’s inclusion in, of all publications, the granddaddy of modern day adult entertainment, Playboy.

Writing for the Playboy site’s Sex & Dating section, Crimson details five key ways to ensure you not only receive great blowjobs, but are worthy of them, too.

– Presentation is key, Crimson says, advising would-be tonsil-ticklers to wash up, trim excess follicles, and ensure underwear (if worn) is free of stains, holes, and loose waistbands. Ditch your crusty Fruit of the Looms, fellas, and spring for a couple pairs of Calvins.

– Inspiration. Here, mainstream porn takes some criticism from Crimson, one of the few outside voices attempting to curb the hyper-aggressive face-fucking prevalent in today’s porn. She suggests warming up your lady (and yourself) with some “sensual, respectful, and beautiful blowjob porn”. (Gee, I wonder where you’d find such stuff…)

– Communication is arguably the most direct path to oral satisfaction. “Without getting too bossy, voice your desires and get what you want out of the blowjob,” she advises. This relates to the culmination of the act, too. “It’s not bad to want to come in her mouth, on her face, on her breasts… but give a heads-up before you do and leave it open for her to suggest an alternative if she wants.”

– While she’s exhausting her jaw and tongue for your pleasure, you could at least show some Appreciation. When you’re going down on her (which we’ll get to in a moment), you want to know you’re doing something right, right? Well, then, tell her when she’s pleasing you either with a few whispered words of encouragement or simply moaning and thanking her afterwards.

– The most enjoyable of all Camille Crimson’s blowjob tips: Reciprocation! She might’ve given you a headie for the ages, but unless you’ve been attentive to her needs – use your fingers, your mouth, a toy, or make her wait her turn – it’s not likely to be a thrill repeated anytime soon. And, for chrissakes, don’t just go through the motions! Help her feel the way you felt and you’ll be well on your way to a permanent grin the envy of all men.

Smoke My Bacon, Baby!

Your deep-frier-owning, ranch-dressing-drizzling, Mexican-Coke-preferring girlfriend has said there’s only one thing she loves more than you and it’s bacon and now you don’t know how to reignite the passion of fellatio in your relationship without feeling and smelling like a bona fide pig-fucker? Well, friend, J&D Foods has a product for you: bacon condoms. That’s right, folks, the makers of Bacon Ranch, Bacon Gravy and Bacon Shaving Cream, of bacon flavored lip balm, bacon scented roses, and even bacon sunscreen comes a rubber that’ll “make your meat look like meat”.

For those of you not throwing up your breakfast… J&D’s Bacon Condoms are made of latex but instead smell and taste of freshly sizzled rashers of fatty hog flesh. While I cannot at this time report on how these Bacon Condoms feel against human skin, they also look quite a bit like bacon given the fleshy, meaty design patterned on each, uh, unit. Like most bacon-celebrating products, demand has proven quite high for J&D’s absurd (and absurdly delicious) contraceptive product. Already out of stock after only a month on the market, Bacon Condoms can be yours if you add your name to the waiting list… or hit the supermarket for some DIY porking and poking.