Re-Gifting for Porn’s Sake

The holiday season traditionally sees an exchange of gifts between friends and family members, tokens of appreciation for putting up with each others’ idiosyncrasies and issues for another year. Unfortunately, the desire to give the perfect (or at least perfectly usable) gift often outweighs the personal element. Case in point: the gift card.

gift cards pay for porn

Handed out en masse every holiday season and easily purchased from supermarkets, gas stations, corner stores, 7-Elevens, and many other vendors, a gift card entitles the bearer to spend a predetermined, stated amount at a corresponding store. But what if you loathe L.L.Bean’s collegiate winter wear, object to Wal-Mart’s dominance of national and now international retail, or simply won’t set foot in a DSW for fear of contaminating your feet with the stench of others’? What do you do with your apparently useless gift cards then? Why, purchase some porn, of course!

With a number of adult sites and networks now accepting payment via store-affiliated gift card, I thought a rundown of such smut vendors would serve to enlighten you, dear readers, as to your spending options. And, hey, think of this way: when your father-in-law asks what you ended up buying from Home Depot, you can let him know that whacking it to Jayden Jaymes’s marvelous heaving breasts was more important than a new ball-peen hammer. Maybe.

Spend your unwanted gift cards at the following adult emporiums and ensure no gift card goes to waste. The gift card in my wallet, a $15 Starbucks card, could buy you the following membership stints at the following sites (with duration and price changing per gift card brand and value):

– 16 days with the amply-titted anal-loving fuck-freaks of Brazzers.
– 26 days with Naughty America’s MILFs and housewives and step-sisters.
– 9 days of ogling DDF Network’s European goddesses, foot fetishists, teen lesbians, and busty beauties.
– 30 days marveling at Videobox’s impossibly wide range of on-demand smut.
– 14 days, a solid fortnight, checking out the legendary Hustler archives.
– 14 days with Spizoo, the 13-site globe-trotting pornstar-fucking extravaganza.

Conditions apply, of course (minimum $10 balance, certain card brands only) but at least there’s finally a way to rid yourself of hard plastic currency usable only at unsexy stores that most certainly don’t stock Interracial Booty Intruders, Mommy Needs Money #2, or an HD version of Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge.

 

Beatin’ on a Budget! with Hustler

hustler

We all owe Larry Flynt big time. Without the Hustler head honcho’s relentless protection of the civil liberties of the American public, we’d still be staring at well-dressed women and marveling at their ankles! Thanks to Flynt’s Hustler empire we’ve been granted visual access to some incredibly lustful women in the pages of his magazines and now online at Hustler.com. Thanks should also be extended to Mr. Pink’s, though, for without the bargain hunting skills of our intrepid deal scouts, we’d never be able to offer you the Hustler deal of the decade!

Hustler isn’t a lone hardcore site, not by any stretch of the imagination. It’s a network of 19 websites and usually costs $34.95-a-month. For good reason, too, since membership opens the doors to Hustler’s Taboo, Barely Legal, and Hustler HD sites, as well as VCA Classics (golden age porn), Anal Hookers, Asian Fever, Beaver Hunt, Bossy MILFs, Busty Beauties, Daddy Gets Lucky (age-play), Hometown Girls and Hottie Moms (two sites with “amateur” babes), Hustlaz (black and interracial), Hustler’s Lesbians, Hustler’s College Girls, Muchas Latinas, Scary Big Dicks, Too Many Trannies, and the company’s now-notorious Hustler’s Parodies movies. That’s a huge variety of smut by anyone’s standards and with most of it hitting that high Hustler quality benchmark, it’s one well worth a little cyber-cash on. (Although the heavy presence of non-exclusive, non-Hustler works is a bit of a let down.)


THE MATH:
Mr. Pink’s discount brings the normal $34.95 monthly membership price down to only $19.95, you’re already saving close to half, to look at it another way, getting everything at twice the value! Each of the 19 Hustler websites come out to less than $1.05 with this deal. DVDs, of which there are 2,075, can be had for less than 1¢ each, while individual scenes, currently amounting to 10,076, end up costing an absolute pittance, only a fraction of a cent, just .19¢!

Oh, and there’s 215 issues of Hustler, Barely Legal, and Taboo magazines digitized to for your online reading pleasure, too, if that helps seal the deal. And to celebrate Black Friday, you can now join Hustler for only $14.95 now through December 3rd when you sign up through Mr. Pink’s special Hustler Holiday promotion link. Thanks, Larry!

Larry Flynt Sells HQ

Flynt Building

The original master Hustler himself, Mr. Larry Flynt, has sold the legendary Wilshire Blvd. tower that has served as Larry Flynt Publications’ headquarters since its purchase in 1984 for $18.8 million. The new owner, Santa Monica-based Douglas Emmett Inc. paid $82 million, which Flynt says he’ll be putting towards “buying another casino”. The stately building, designed in 1972 by William Pereira, also currently houses the Brazilian consulate and numerous law offices and even features a sculpture of John Wayne on the grounds. So why would Flynt want to sell? Expansion, of course.

Built in 1972 to house Great Western Savings, for whom John Wayne was spokesman, the LFP building (as it has long been known) became Hustler’s headquarters and Flynt’s office, creative counsel, living space, hospice, and war room during his infamous battles with the Jerry Falwell in the United States Supreme Court, an assassination attempt, the death of his wife Althea, recovery from drug addiction, and resurgence in the adult entertainment world. So this can’t have been a decision made lightly. Although the new owner will take possession of the property by the end of summer, Larry Flynt Publications will be staying put as a leasing tenant, at least for the time being.

The Comeback Queens

Devon at BrazzersThe news pages at AVN ran two highly notable stories earlier this month, both of them concerning the revival of the careers of two of porn’s most legendary female performers. As the news hit the pornosphere thousands of fans no doubt began furiously beating off, preparing and training themselves for the return of their favorite performers: Devon and Tera Patrick.

Tera Patrick, known not only for her adult career but for her best-selling memoir, Sinner Takes All, and her marriage to Biohazard rocker Evan Seinfeld, announced her first onscreen adult appearance in six years, taking a role in Axel Braun’s upcoming Hustler parody This Ain’t The Expendables XXX. Shot in 3D and co-starring Kimberly Kane, London Keyes, and Brooklyn Lee, the project unfortunately won’t give Tera’s fans what they undoubtedly hoped for. Instead of thrusting herself back under the spotlight and onto some lucky bastards boner, Tera has taken a non-sex role modeled on The Governator’s brief but nonetheless exciting cameo in Sylvester Stallone’s original 2010 action hit.

Devon, on the other hand, isn’t messing around. Signing to Brazzers and relaunching her career with a four-part Real Wife Stories series entitled Till Dick Do Us Part. Starring alongside the ravishing Raylene and facing the impossibly hard dicks of Jordan Ash and Jonny Sins, Devon plays a bride who, although newly married, just can’t shake off her whorish tendencies. The first episode of the series can now be seen exclusively at Real Wife Stories.

Sorry, Tera, but Devon pwned you this time.

 

Ron and Nina’s Twilight Romance

Nina Hartley and Ron JeremyAsk any porn fan who the most acclaimed and respected living legends of the adult industry are, one of either sex, and you’ll no doubt have the names Nina Hartley and Ron Jeremy tossed your way. Now, after a combined 62 years of onscreen experience, these two legends have been paired together in a new feature from Hustler, entitled Nina Loves Ron.

A satire of modern dating rituals, Nina Loves Ron sees the two infamous pornstars, entrepreneurs, crossover icons, and free speech advocates reunite under the direction of Axel Braun. With all new scenes featuring, according to AVN, “the trials of online dating, the first tentative steps of budding love, and (of course) sex,” the DVD, available from July 31st, also packs in a handful of the two superstars’ most sizzling scenes, scenes co-starring such other porno legends as Tom Byron, Renee Morgan, and Crystal Wilder.

Although no doubt an irreverent look at romance in the digital age, Nina Loves Ron also promises to deliver the righteous fucking with a (dare I say) romantic touch; so much so that Hustler is touting it as “the Ultimate Romance movie.” At their respective ages of 59 and 53, Ron and Nina are some of the oldest performers still throwing their bodies before a camera and delivering memorable sex. The combination of these two middle-aged is sure to be a turn-off for those viewers who refuse to even bother with MILF porn, let alone hardcore scenes starring almost-sixty-year-olds, but those of us who are perfectly comfortable with people older than ourselves having and indeed needing an active, exciting sex life will no doubt be thrilled at this illustrious pairing.

While exact details of the release are still under wraps, this teaser image from Hustler’s Facebook page suggests the two hardcore legends have delivered fun, lively performances. Are there any other similarly aged performers still in the business, let alone cool and comfortable enough to poke fun not only at themselves, but at the industry that spawned their celebrity and the very idea of dating (and fucking) through one’s fifties and into one’s sixties? No, there isn’t, which is why Nina Hartley and Ron Jeremy are as close as pornstars come to being national treasures.