When Is a Pseudo-Celebrity Teen Mom’s Sex Tape Not a Sex Tape?

Farrah Abraham's sex tape"Few were surprised when tabloid news outlets began reporting that Farrah Abraham, star of MTV’s Teen Mom, would be the subject of a “leaked sex tape”. “Private” footage of pseudo-celebrities having sex has become another blatantly obvious attention grabbing technique used by those struggling to remain in the fading spotlight or seeking to make a name for themselves without any discernible talents or worthwhile attributes (except an enticing body) and Ms. Abraham’s star certainly wasn’t on the ascent after her Teen Mom stint. What makes this case of celebrity skin slightly different is that, while many suspected the sex tapes of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Tila Tequila were as phony as penile growth supplements, Abraham’s case is so riddled with inconsistencies, professional touches, and absurd statements from the source that it couldn’t possibly be regarded as remotely authentic.

1. Abraham claims the tape was made for her own personal use yet later said she’d not sell the movie for “anything less than a couple million”, a clear sign of her true intentions.

2. “Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom” co-stars James Deen, the single most popular, most famous, and most newsworthy male adult performer currently working. Who hires a porn stud for a private recording?

3. The sex scene, which runs about 42 minutes, is identical in most respects to any POV hardcore scene you’d find on Porn Pros or Reality Kings, from the lighting, lack of cutting, and roaming camerawork to Abraham’s rote, sterile attempts at teasing and seduction.

4. Deen, a man of no small girth, manages to enter Abraham’s titular “backdoor” without much of a warmup and almost no lubrication. That’s not real couple anal sex, folks, that’s porno anal sex.

5. To the ire of Abraham and her remarkably supportive, devoutly Christian father, Deen told various tabloid outlets that the whole point of the shoot was to “leak” a phoney “sex tape”. The Abraham family has called Deen “an opportunist”, clearly overestimating Farrah’s pop culture prominence while underestimating his.

Nevertheless, Abraham is insisting that the tape, which can now be seen online at Vivid Entertainment, was shot without a commercial release in mind. Now that her deal with Vivid has been inked, though, she seems content to be a daughter, mother, self-tanning addict, and talking point for at least the next week.

Still, reports from New York Post and TMZ claim Vivid’s servers were inundated with 2 million visitors within 12 hours of posting, so to what do we chalk up her millions of hits? It’s simple: morbid curiosity, James Deen, and the seemingly universal appeal of fucking celebrities in the ass.

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