Tanya Tate: Superhero

Tanya Tate

We all know (and presumably are attracted to) Tanya Tate, right? She’s that dynamite blonde Liverpudlian who recently branched out from performing in adult films to directing adult films (Tanya Tate’s Runaways and Tanya Tate’s Tea & Muffin Party, anyone?), and the latest in a continuing line of adult performers immortalized in comic book superhero form. After Pamela Anderson’s and Stan Lee’s Stripperella, Penthouse Comix, and numerous “parody” publications filled with explicit Fantastic Four-ways comes Tate’s very own creation, Lady Titan launching this weekend at San Diego Comic Con.

After building a thriving fanbase with her combined careers in hardcore porn and cosplay modeling – the latter sending many geeks plotzing with her renditions of Emma Frost, a foxy female Green Lantern, Catwoman (the Julie Newmar version), Black Canary, and She-Ra – Tate now moves more directly into the world of genetic mutations, freak biological accidents, villainous monsters, and caped crusaders of justice. And she’s doing it at the world’s annual comic-fan clusterfuck: San Diego Comic Con 2013.

Created with artist Mikel Harvey and colorist Simon Gough, Tate’s titular heroine has an origin steeped in live-action superhero television lore. Lady Titan begins as an out-of-work actress finds her recently acquired vintage costume outfits her with the powers of the 70’s TV superhero that once wore it onscreen. Tate boasted, “The character herself is not a ‘Superhero’ but someone thrust into that role; partly because of her sense of what’s right, but also her own survival. I think readers will have fun with Lady Titan.”

Tate will be appearing at Geekscape’s booth (#3919) at Comic Con all weekend, so if you’re in San Diego for the festivities, be sure to stop by and check out Lady Titan in flesh, in print, and in limited edition 11×17 poster form (autographed by the lady herself, of course).

A Cleavage Identi-Kit

Boobs can be confusing and you don’t even need to see that much of them to find yourself bewildered beyond belief. If you fancy yourself something of a breast aficionado, though, put yourself to the test and name for me the following four styles of revealing boob-dressing.

Boobs

If you answered 1. Cleavage, 2. Innerboob, 3. Sideboob, and 4. Underboob, you’re either an expert on female decolletage, wherever it falls, or an avid reader of pseudo-feminist popculture blog Jezebel. In an article entitled “Beyond Cleavage: The Golden Age of Innerboob, Sideboob, & Underboob” writer Katie Dries defines the above terms for today’s modern woman. (Well, and for us dudes who totally didn’t know these terms before their girlfriends or anything…)

Jezebel attempts to categorize all kinds of exposure in Dries’ piece, but uses familiar images of Liz Taylor (cleavage), Miley Cyrus (innerboob), Lindsay Lohan (sideboob), and even bootylicious Beyonce (underboob) to curry her readers’ approbation in the comments; and, of course, to provide some eye candy, too! She even points out a few choice places to find your preferred means of semi-boob ogling, whether you’re an inner-man or a under-guy or a classicist who prefers to ogle from above.

“What is the next big boob trend?” Jezebel asks in closing, “Topboob? Full-on nipple boob?” Whatever it is, color me interested.

Vivid Saves Joe Francis from Sex Tape Shame

Girls Gone Wild

In what many may interpret as a perpetuation of a ‘boys’ club’ mentality, Vivid Video head honcho Steve Hirsch has purchased a sex tape starring (and allegedly stolen from) Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson. So, business as usual for the company that has released “leaked” and “stolen” sex tapes starring numerous celebrities from Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Janine Lindemulder and Vince Neil, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Tila Tequila, and, most recently, Teen Mom “star” Farrah Abraham and “legitimate partner” James Deen. So, we can expect Francis and Wilson’s tape to see an imminent release, right? Well, no.

Hirsch, who paid an undisclosed sum for the video, allegedly stolen from Wilson’s iPad at LAX, made his purchase to ensure the safe return of the sex tape to its rightful owners in consideration of their established tight bro-ness. Surely a tape featuring Francis, recently convicted of false imprisonment and assault of three women he met at a club in Hollywood in 2011 and the creator of one of porn’s most widely despised companies, would be in sufficient demand to warrant a release! Not so, says Hirsch, who apparently regards the age old rule of “Bros Before Hos (and Video Sales)” as an unbreakable tenant of friendship.

Francis, who faces five years in prison and fines up $13,000 for his offenses, may have narrowly escaped public humiliation this time, but… Oh, wait, no he didn’t.

Carcinogenic Pussies Destroy Hollywood

We open on Hollywood Blvd. It’s early on a Saturday afternoon. An unlicensed Elmo-costumed street performer coaxes a tourist into parting with $5 for a photo. T-shirt vendors restock their displays with product as another happy customer walks off with an unlicensed “Dude Abides” tee. The right wall of the vendor’s store suddenly collapses, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare startled at the wreckage. The ground starts shaking and the locals duck into doorways and under structural supports. Then, towering over the five-story Hollywood and Highland center, bounding in from the east comes a colossal pussy, its thundering queefs blowing eardrums as it hurls HPV bombs at the people on the street below.

Well, that’s not quite what happened, but Michael Douglas did last week tell the Guardian that a cause, if not the cause, of the throat cancer he recently recovered from was the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) transmitted orally to him via cunnilingus. Yeah, that’s right he nuzzled up to an HPV-infected woman (not necessarily his wife; he is a tinsel town legend, after all) and now believes that particular activity was what led to a tumor at the base of his tongue; not years of heavy drinking, smoking, and God knows what else, but eating pussy.

While you may scoff at the notion of oral sex causing cancer, the CDC claims HPV leads to throat cancer in 1,700 women and 6,700 men annually. In fact, data offered by the American Association for the Advancement of Science suggests tobacco has been knocked from its top spot as the leading cause of oral (neck, mouth, and throat) cancer in men by HPV. An noted in CNN’s article on Douglas’ revelation, according to Dr. Anil Chaturvedi of the National Cancer Institute “The precise reasons for the survival benefits are not clear, but tumors in HPV-positive patients tend to have less genetic damage. Because of that, they are more responsive to cancer therapies like radiation treatment.”

Anyone who’s seen Douglas’ turn as he of the mirrored piano and impossible pomp, Liberace, in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra, can certainly attest to the actor/producer’s recovery: it’s his most dynamic and accomplished role in years.

Dildo Theft on Pain and Gain Set

Anyone who’s ever been on the set of any reasonably sized film production, porno or otherwise, knows that theft is rampant: theft of credit, theft of ideas, theft in the form of grossly overpaid players, theft of costume items and props. On the set of Michael Bay’s bodybuilding crime hit, Pain and Gain, however, something rather unusual items failed to make it back to the prop truck after shooting: sex toys.

Talking to The Daily Beast, Bay revealed that after he spent $75,000 on a treasure trove of the sex toy industry’s greatest creations, someone or someones managed to take off with a good chunk of them. A confounded Bay explains as best he can:

“We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

One cast member not likely to be the culprit is Rebel Wilson, seen below wielding her own artificial bedroom spicer-upper, a pair of nunchaku, that she pulled out when Bay requested the sex scene they were shooting needed to be sexier. Clearly this a woman with a strong arsenal all her own.

Rebel Wilson

Personally, I’m putting my money on Peter “Where is Pancakes House?” Stormare.