The Kickstarting of Misty Beethoven

Now that the HD format wars are well and truly over – how about a hand for the victor, Blu-Ray – you might think it’d be a cinch to release the unquestionably classic and culturally significant adult films that, throughout history, have closed to gap between niche hardcore porn and sexually-oriented mainstream acceptance. One such title, The Opening of Misty Beethoven, a hardcore adaptation of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion, is on the verge of seeing a High Definition home video release, but it needs your help!

Produced and directed by adult cinema icon, Radley Metzger, The Opening of Misty Beethoven was one of the handful of hardcore films that approached mainstream acceptance in the sexually adventurous ’70s and now, thanks to the efforts of New Jersey-based film preservation and restoration company, 435 productions, Misty Beethoven is very nearly ready for her HD debut. Over at Kickstarter, the crowd funding website used by everyone from acclaimed musicians wishing to be free of record company restrictions and guidelines to aspiring cinema auteurs to robotics engineers intent on bringing the future to 2012, 435 productions is now asking for donations to the tune of $10,000 to realize their Misty Beethoven Blu-Ray project. Already more than halfway to their goal and with just 18 days to go, the future of this preservation project is completely in the hands of the fans.

With pledge packages ranging from $10 to $3,000-plus, donators can be intimately involved in the production process and receive anything from a woodblock print of Anthony Palumbo’s stellar artwork that adorns the DVD release to a Blu-Ray, DVD, poster, and soundtrack package to a framed replica of an award presented to Misty Beethoven after the film’s release in 1976 and even a producer credit! There’s also four DVDs worth of “raw, unfiltered” Misty Beethoven outtakes that have never before seen the light of day, t-shirts, and, absurd as it seems, martini glasses etched with Metzger’s nom de cinema, Henri Paris!

While it’d be pretty damn neat to be able to serve your friends cocktails in Henri Paris glasses as they stare in awe at your vintage posters from the Distribpix archive, it’s even cooler to be partially responsible for preserving a landmark production in the history of adult cinema. Hey, if film preservation is important enough to give Marty Scorsese a hard-on, it’s important enough for you to pay a mere $10 to ensure this vital project reaches fruition.

Octo-Porn Has Arrived!

Octomom PornHey, remember that maternal train wreck the tabloid media dubbed “Octomom”? And remember the rumors that flew around suggesting she’d be taking to fucking on camera to keep her flock of 14 fed, clothed, and housed? Well, the rumors finally came true, with Wicked contract director Brad Armstrong helming her maiden venture into what could be the career that saves her from losing her La Habra residence after she filed last month for personal bankruptcy. That’s right, folks, the single mom who found worldwide notoriety for squirting out eight rugrats in one sitting is now a genuine adult performer.

While exact details of Suleman’s shoot are still largely under wraps, a few tidbits have leaked and are now being thrashed around the Internet, possibly as a respite from all the cannibalism stories that’ve been popping up of late. When her scene, which is masturbation-only, comes out, the curious can expect to see Suleman covered in, of all things, SpaghettiOs. Yup, SpaghettiOs. (No, I don’t know what the fuck is up with that particular prop either.)

Of her first experience pleasuring herself in front of a camera, crew, and eventually a home-viewing audience, Suleman said she owed a lot to Jessica Drake. “She opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could never have imagined.” While the company releasing the movie still hasn’t been identified, Suleman seems quite happy with their professionalism, saying “I don’t think I could have asked for a better crew to work with. They were so patient and willing to teach me.” Clearly given a substantial confidence boost, she told Huffington Post “reporter” Naughty But Nice Rob “They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy. I’m very excited for it to come out!”

Yeah, that’s what she said about the octuplets, too.

Smurfing Around with Hustler

This Ain't the Smurfs XXXOf all notable pop culture properties, few are less overtly sexual than The Smurfs. The Muppets have that dominating vixen Miss Piggy and even the Teletubbies offered up some rather sexual imagery (those things on their heads sure seemed phallic and Twinky Winky was a noted gay icon), but the closest it seems The Smurfs ever came to promoting discussion of sexuality was that scene in Donnie Darko where Donnie’s friends suggest Smurfette, as the only notable female Smurf, serviced the entire village; hardly a reputable journal of psychological or sociological inquiry. There you have it, Smurfs aren’t a sexually motivated creation. This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX, however, is.

Another parody porn from the reigning king of the genre, director Axel Braun, this seemingly uncalled for hardcore romp through Smurfdom centers around the not at all blue pornstar, Nicole Aniston. Slaving away behind the reception desk at the Hustler offices, Nicole is startled by the sudden space-time-continuum-destroying arrival of three little blue people on her desk. It turns out Brainy Smurf  (Jeremy Conway) rigged up a teleportation device and thrust himself, Papa Smurf (Jay Crew), and the delightful Smurfette (Lexi Belle) into the present day real world. Evan Stone, also plodding around the Hustler offices – so, no springing for elaborate sets or location shoots then, Braun? – presents Nicole with a challenge: if he finds the little blue critters, he’ll want them all to himself, forcing the busty blonde to distract him the only way she knows how. Fast-forward a touch and the Smurfs soon discover another of their kind (Charley Chase) and Hustler shutterbug Bill Diehl promptly shoots both Smurfettes in a lesbian scene that begins the show the superficial nature of their blue skin.

Soon enough, the bright blue penises arrive on the scene and the colorful makeup is really put to the test. Although it’s somewhat distracting to find yourself counting the globs of blue body paint falling off the performers as Papa and Brainy prove to Charley that they’re blue from head to toe, even beneath their tight white and red trousers. Lexi’s Smurfette isn’t denied a solid dicking, either, and the final sex scene pits her diminutive cobalt pussy against Gargamel’s (Barry Scott) impressive pink sword.

This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX is now available as a two-disc set (with bonus 3-D version and glasses included) in adult retail establishments everywhere. Those fully devoted to online video can see the bluest blue movie of all time at Hustler.