Preparing for Porn


Last week we compared advice for pursuing and achieving successful anal sex from magazines GQ and Complex, and from adult performer Valentina Nappi, who not only seems destined to become a lifelong porno legend but has earned a reputation for cutting through the bullshit and pretension rife in today’s porn industry. Ms. Nappi’s guide to getting her ass ready for an anal shoot was predictably more detailed and worthwhile than anything GQ or Complex had to say, spurring on further Mr. Pink’s investigation into just how pornstars prepare themselves for the physical gauntlet that is a hardcore shoot.

Enter WoodRocket, a porno revolution in digital form. Packed to the proverbial gills with all kinds of informative backstage glimpses into professional porno life (as well as a killer range of original porn parodies), WoodRocket’s regular Ask a Pornstar feature recently spoke with porn’s best and boldest to discover what helps them get ready to shoot some smut. From the obvious (April O’Neil gets a good nights rest) to the hilarious (Mickey Mod keeps himself hard at gangbangs by browsing Tumblr), a dozen-or-so performers both female and male dish on their pre-scene rituals.

Anna Bell Peaks says she performs via webcam before almost every shoot, masturbating for fans and having at least one orgasm to really put her in the mood. Also a confessed pre-scene masturbator, Trinity St. Clair only packs one bright outfit along with many dull ones, giving her director no choice but to let her wear what she wants; a real comfort. Rain DeGrey admits to Twitter-stalking her co-stars before a shoot, trying to find attractive qualities but going so far as canceling shoots because they proved a shithead online. Amarna Miller Seemingly concerned more with herself than her partners, the always intriguing Claire Robbins nakedly admits to standing before a mirror to poke and prod and examine her body before letting a camera capture her naked, a ritual that “put [her] in the right mindset” for porn.

Bathing is obviously important, as is personal grooming. Amarna Miller hit the bathroom or salon to ensure her signature red hair is properly, evenly dyed and that her natural roots aren’t showing. A long, hot shower or bath is a common night-before preparation, though I was somewhat surprised to hear most women asked say they shave, obviously having worked out any issues with skin irritants and visible razor-burn over the years. Still in the bathroom, enemas and douching proved very popular, the latter somewhat surprisingly. After horror stories and urban legends of rampant fatal infections, tearing, and acid burns, I naively assumed douching had gone the way of the dodo but instead it’s thriving in Porn Valley: Jade Nile mixes coconut oil with a little tea-tree oil while Draven Star and most others seem to stick with fresh water. (Spanish-accented Amarna Miller saying it’s necessary to “not have a funny pussy.”)

Women prod and poke and preen themselves, take of physical cleanliness both external and internal, and try to summon as much enthusiasm as possible, but aside from Mickey Mod trawling Tumblr, what do the men do to ready themselves? Mick Blue, reigning AVN Male Performer of the Year, spoke up and revealed his very own private pre-porn ritual: a double espresso. That’s it.

Dogfart’s Political Parodies Trump All

Prominent interracial hardcore network network and purveyors of aggressive racially-charged blowbangs, cuckold scenes, and epic “takedowns” of white girls by black guys, black girls by white guys, and black and white girls by each other, the impossibly stupidly named Dogfart Network might still be shaking off its poor choice of handle, but it has a very special ace up its sleeve, an ace that had seemingly gone the way of the dodo and Ford Edsel: absurdist interracial political parody!

dogfart's trumped

Targeting noted resort and casino magnate, reality television star, anti-immigration campaigner, and current candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America, one Mr. Donald J. Trump for its latest politically-themed parody, Megyn gets Trumped. Shot for Blacks on Blondes and made live August 18th, twelve days after the first Republican debate took place in Cleveland and ignited a feud between candidate Trump and moderator and Fox News pundit (and conservative babe) Megyn Kelly after Kelly asked Trump about previously made statements disparaging women’s appearances. After a stern back-and-forth that not only increased Trump’s profile and popularity, but the outrage directed at him by many left-leaners and women, the battle was well and truly established, with both parties taking to social media to vent their frustrations. Where many would’ve crumbled, Kelly stood her ground, reportedly saying “It’s okay, I’m a big girl, I can take it.” And take it she did.

Dogfart’s epic Megyn Gets Trumped not only see James Bartholet playing the real-estate tycoon but the remarkable Cherie DeVille in the role of Ms. Kelly. Always straight to the point, “The Donald” brings in two hung-as-fuck black bulls to prove to his new (and very foxy) nemesis that, as he implied during the debate, women are best on their knees. Avoiding another verbal assault from Kelly, this time in the green room, The Donald stands back and watches as Kelly loses control and opens herself up for a slamming more aggressive than any thrown her way by Trump-supporters post-debate. Although I’m glad Dogfart is getting in early with the first notable parody of the 2016 presidential election campaign season, but I can’t help but anticipate the next phase of parodies. Will Barack leave Hillary a stiff, black, vibrating replica of himself in the Oval Office? Will Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders invite rumored running mate Elizabeth Warren over for a chat, provide her with free contraception, assure her of pay equal to an equivalent man, then ask her to prove her dedication to achieving racial harmony by draining the balls of fifteen or twenty black guys? Dear Gods of Dogfart, please hear my prayer!

WoodRocket and Rule #34

When was the last time anybody but Axel Braun was so universally celebrated for parodying pop-culture icons in hardcore adult movies? Even some holders of the intellectual properties being parodied admitted first to a curiosity then, an interest, and finally an appreciation of the irreverent super-hero, comic book, TV, and movie-lampooning releases. Well, move on over, Mr. Braun ’cause it looks like your bombastic mega-budget mockbusters could be under threat from the studio that’s proving to be more punk rock than mainstream pop, more Brain Candy than Awakenings, if you will. That studio is WoodRocket.


Founded by Lee Roy Myers, among others, WoodRocket’s bizarre blending of slapstick comedy, pop-culture parody, hardcore porn, and social satire have made it one of the most promising new studios to pop up in some time. Having already pushed porn parodies further than anyone ever thought – SpongeKnob SquareNuts, Sex Toy Story, and even that Jerry-Seinfeld-and-pal-driving-around web series thing, they’ve all been WoodRocket subjects – the studio could have started to focus more on its non-porn webseries James Deen Loves Food and Memes I’d Like to Fuck (see below) or on outlandish projects like a life-size Darth Vader built from sex toys. Parodies have remained an essential part of WoodRocket, though, and we’re now seeing the most courageous and inventive skewering of pop-culture icons since Edward Penishands quietly became a cult comedy hit.

edward penishands

Apparently feeling that squirts and stoners shouldn’t get to have all the cartoonish fun, Myers and company followed up SpongeKnob and Sex Toy Story with Strokemon, the first live-action Pokemon parody starring Rizzo Ford as Dikachu, who’s given a solid working-over by Gash (Tyler Nixon) and Fisty (Kassondra Raine) and just go damn squeals the whole time. Now, I’ll admit to being a bit too long in the tooth to understand the less obvious Pokemon references and jokes, but where the recent Bill and Ted’s SEXcellent Adventure-parodying photoshoot starring Lily Bergman, Jessica Dawn, and Vuko as Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan, and the history-spanning cast of influential figures from Lincoln to Beethoven, Genhis Kahn to Joan of Arc is concerned, I’m so on-board it’s ridiculous.

Bill and Ted's SEXcellent Adventure

Whatever your pop-culture fancy, be it Naked Lunch or The Nanny, WoodRocket’s likely to have considered skewering it with sex, proving that just because it made you laugh in your teens doesn’t mean it can’t be masturbation fodder of the highest caliber in your adult years.