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Beatin’ on a Budget! with Porn Pros

Finding a killer online porn deal is like shooting lazy, overweight fish in a too-small barrel. There’s bargains everywhere you turn and ads a-plenty to alert you to their offerings, but Mr. Pink, always on the lookout for the best and boldest and most affordable adult entertainment, likes to clue his readers in to deals they might otherwise miss. This week, we’re taking a look at the 22-site network Porn Pros.

Porn Pros’ niche and kink-oriented websites focus on young harlots (Teen BFF, 18 Years Old), bondage-infused humiliation porn (Amateur Violations, Disgraced 18, MILF humiliation), the biggest tits ‘n’ boners in porn (Freaks of Boobs, Freaks of Cock), dark-skinned babes (40oz Bounce, Pimp Parade), adventurous oral sex and massive facials (Deep Throat Love, Cumshot Surprise, LOL Cumshot, Cum Disgrace), female ejaculation (Squirt Disgrace), continental hotties (Euro Humpers), sexy yoga devotees (Flexible Positions), inter-generational sex (Jurassic Cock), hardcore lesbian couplings (Cruelty Party), “homemade” sex tapes (Real Ex Girlfriends), sensual rubdowns (Massage Creep), and even a game show built around a giant penis (Cock Competition). While hardly the most realistic porn network on the ‘net, Porn Pros adds significant spice to otherwise tired concepts and features the work of such dynamite ladies as Anissa Kate, Dani Daniels, Anikka Albrite, Tasha Reign, and Holly Michaels, who appears in an incredible 59 scenes!

Although some Porn Pros sites are no longer updating, leaving Teen BFF, Massage Creep, Real Ex Girlfriends, and 18 Years Old to deliver the bulk of the network’s new material, there’s more than enough highly varied content here to keep any porn fanatic busy for six months or more, and, at $17.95-a-month, Mr. Pink’s current Porn Pros deal is too good to pass up. Don’t believe me? Maybe you’ll believe…

THE MATH:
Porn Pros’ 22 sites hold a collective 2,825 scenes, averaging 128 scenes-per-site and giving each scene an approximate cost of only .64¢, and puts each site at just 81¢-per-month. With a month at Porn Pros now available for a measly $17.95 and updates hitting the homepage about 20 times each each month, even those members watching only the newest content get a great deal: roughly 89¢-per-new-scene. Although it’s not exactly the perfect porn network, Porn Pros is absolutely essential viewing for any porn fan worth his (or her) salt.

A Dildo for Every Shape and Size

Finding a good physical match between two people – a partnership where each others’ body seems to perfectly conform to the other and mutual pleasure abounds – can be a fucking nightmare. You find yourself charmed by an attractive young lady only to later realize she’s too short to kiss mid-coitus or find yourself unable to hold her weight for some standing sex. She, for her part, might find your erection underwhelming, oddly shaped, or too large. (The rest of your body might have other problems, too.) Now, with the advent of consumer-grade 3D printing technology, those after the perfect penile substitute can design one to suit their specific physical demands. Guys and (especially) gals, I give you Dildo Generator.

Offering customization of height, volume, diameter, color, angle, and flexibility, Dildo Generator offers the easily embarrassed and sexually frustrated a chance to create a dildo of their own specifications without wandering into a seedy XXX emporium and asking if they stock penis molds and how an unnamed “friend” might go about making a perfect replica of their genitalia. The designs can be printed at no cost if the designer has access to a 3D printer or they can be ordered from one of the many 3D printer-equipped Hackerspaces in Berlin. The full kit, which costs €69 (approx. $94 USD), includes your custom-created mold and a silicone dildo of the finished phallus, though a mold-only option is available for €49 ($67 USD).

The programmer responsible for Dildo Generator, Berlin-based Ikaros Kappler, told Vice’s Motherboard of his desire to offer something a bit more risque than “small figurines to put on your windowsill,” saying the idea came to him while he was drinking beer and relaxing with some buddies. (Of course.) Kappler’s creation makes him one of the first to offer a truly customizable sex toy manufacturing engine, a step up from existing 3D-printed sex toy producers making more generic or esoteric products.

Personally, I couldn’t help but use Dildo Generator to create a little something in my own image. You know… something big, pink, and upstanding. Feel free to download the mold (available here in stl format) and, if you have access to a 3D printer, produce your very own semi-official Mr. Pink’s dildo. Just don’t send me details on its use unless you’re a) of legal age, b) female, c) a selfie-taker, and d) willing to see your masturbation reports in print on a future Mr. Pink’s blog. Deal?

Brazzers Wants Your Gift Cards

There it was emblazoned across the bottom of a picture of Keisha Grey’s bountiful ass on the homepage at Brazzers HQ: “Trade Unused Gift Cards for Membership.” My jaw dropped. Could Brazzers really be telling me there’s a use for all those Starbucks and Target and Best Buy and (ugh) Marshalls gift cards my family members indifferently toss at me come Christmastime? Considering the ZZ sign-up process now includes the option to pay in the virtual currencies issued by everyone from Adidas and Aeropostale to Urban Outfitters, Victoria’s Secret, and even Wal-Mart and palmed off as thoughtless presents by pretty much everyone, I’d say that’s affirmative, wouldn’t you?

Brazzers opened this new avenue of payment in early January and has been Tweetin’ the news to its ten gazillion followers thusly:

Step 1: Take unwanted giftcards. Step 2: use them to buy a Brazzers membership. Step 3: Jerk off. http://t.co/xVxrFczXCt

— Brazzers (@Brazzers) February 2, 2014

When it comes to alternative methods of payment, the ZZ has some competition, though, as Naughty America recently announced that it would be accepting new members paying with bank checks and the controversial decentralized crypto-currency Bitcoin. With Bitcoin thrust under the nose of the CIA, the FBI, the DEA, the ATF (all the acronyms, really) due to deep-web markets like Silk Road, perhaps that seemingly useless stack of gift cards is indeed the wisest path of alternative porn-site payment. Brazzers assures its members the whole process will be painless and, aside from not getting the exact monetary value of the gift card in question, you’ll probably find it so. If you’ve got a $25 Starbucks card laying around, that’ll get you 16 days of access; a $200 Best Buy gift card earns you an insane 608 days of access!

And, bless ’em, the Brazzers team has made the whole transaction anonymous so you’ll never have to ‘fess up and admit to your dear old mother that the Williams-Sonoma gift card she gleefully presented you and your then-girlfriend with all those months ago didn’t make it anywhere near a Williams-Sonoma store and instead was used to ensure you wouldn’t have to miss Madison Ivy’s hotly anticipated, much ballyhooed upcoming anal debut right here at Brazzers. Whew.

brazzers review

2014 AVN Nominees Announced – Now with More tips!

The adult entertainment industry already has a strong presence in the city of Las Vegas, but come January 18 of 2014, “Sin City” will be positively overrun with cocksuckers, assfuckers, cum guzzlers, pussy-drillers, camera-wielders, lighting technicians, (legal) pimps and publicists and promotions teams, all focused on one thing and one thing only: recognition. (Well, and sex, too. And money.) And, with nominees now announced in all 135 categories, the AVN Awards season is in full swing. But who’s careers are on the verge of exploding thanks to a statuette, which superstars are about to become legends, and which behind-the-scenes talent is hot-tipped to become the next Axel Braun or John Stagliano?

Having ogled and assessed porn in every 50 weeks of the year thus far, I, Mr. Pink, am in a particularly good position to offer my tips to all those engaging in a little NSFW betting pool, for all the major categories at least. While there are simply too many nominees to list them all here – my apologies to all those hard-working men and women left unmentioned – we’ll be assessing the odds of our favorites scoring the top prizes in their respective categories over a few blogs in the lead-up to the 2014 AVN Awards. And why don’t we start with the most coveted prizes of all…?

Having signed an exclusive performance contract with Wicked Pictures and lending her directorial talents to Elegant Angel, 2013 AVN Female Performer of the Year Asa Akira hasn’t slowed or cooled down one bit since her win earlier this year and looks set to become the second back-to-back winner (after Tori Black in 2010 and 2011).

Winner of the 2013 Male Performer of the Year trophy, James Deen has had a pretty incredible year, but don’t be surprised if his dramatic turn in Paul Schrader and Bret Easton Ellis’s ‘The Canyons’ puts him in top spot as Mainstream Star of the Year, making room for another win by perennial favorite Manuel Ferrara (for what would be his fifth).

In my personal favorite category of the AVNs, Best New Starlet, the competition is fierce and sees everyone from A.J. Applegate and Casey Calvert coming up against Raven Rockette, Rikki Six, and Jodi Taylor, but my pick goes to the tiny yet utterly insatiable Cindy Starfall. In her first full year of US porn production, Ms. Starfall shot her first creampie, blow-bang, squirting, double-vaginal, and gangbang scenes. Sure, other girls have done much the same this year, but nobody has come close to Cindy’s aggressive enthusiasm, camera-lens eye contact, compact but thrilling figure, and, most of all, the way her Vietnamese-accented voice begs for ‘your’ attention and affection.

As the weeks fall away and the 2014 AVN Awards approach, keep tabs on the brightest award hopes with Mr. Pink’s and, please, share your favorites with us on Twitter.